Applause and Feedback

Keays -- a nightmare worthy of an October telling.  Very descriptive.

Hunkeydorey -- I remember this; it's a story that sticks with one.  Very well told, building the story and slowly leading to the revelation at the end.  I like the changing moods throughout the tale as the participants react to what they are hearing.

Keays:
A parent's fear of losing a child and that horrid fear of falling/sinking and suffocating are certainly feelings that many of us have had. You rolled it all up into one terrible nightmare for our poor Heyes, convincingly portrayed. Another perfect excerpt for the prompt and the season. Glad your back, Keays!

Riders - This was a very touching tale of love and loss.  I thought that the stpry was going to go a different way and that the ghosts of the ladies were going to come up, but you turned it.  I know you say this is an old one, but it's new to me ad I loved it.

Silverkelpie - This just built and built.  It was very cleverly constructed and you showed how a loving husband could spiral into madness and kept the boys right in character with Heyes looking at facts and figures, and the Kid running on his instincts.  Creepy end!  The Kid was right about the instincts and so was the lady. 

Insideoutlaw - I am so glad you continued this and I love the way you write the Kid.  He really is a partner to Heyes and sure isn't dumb.  He played this perfectly but certainly wasn't prepared for the hornet's nest Heyes was about to kick in.  You write the boys as outlaws so well.

Javebee - The beauty of this story stayed with me, just like the loving men these women lost - or did they?  Spooky, clever, touching and well-written all at once.  A perfect Halloween tale to leave us with a warm fuzzy.

Keays - What a nightmare that was!  The poor man drowning and suffocating and all the while trying to reach his daughter.  I haven't read the story this came from but this taster make it look like a real goodie.

Hunkeydorey - You say this one has been out there before and I hadn't read this one yet either.  Another very clever story, building from the shock of finding men in the house to watching the story mount like bricks in a wall with fact upon fact upon fact.  It reminded me of evidence being given in a court, slowly building up the whole picture.  At the end we see a gruff, difficult man with a heart the size of all outdoors, and his daughter finally learns the truth.  I loved this one.

Moonpie:

Looks like Chugg gave Heyes plenty of practice on how to handle future challenges to his authority (namely Wheat!), with the Kid learning early on to stick up for his cousin. A nice glimpse into the early signs of Heyes leadership skills, lock picking, and planning. With a couple of future ex-oulaws around, I imagine there would be quite a few bumps in the night. Thanks Moonpie, this was a fun read!
P.S. I think a midnight raid on a Bakery for pie is a very shrewd and effective way for Heyes to motivate a young Kid Curry to take his first steps towards life of crime!

Moonpie - This was a very telling glimpse into the character which became Hannibal Heyes the outlaw leader.  It was all there, the gifted manipulator able to get people onside, the terrier who'll fight dirty if he needs to, and of course there was an early Hannibal Heyes plan.  True to form, he quickly changed tack when he had to.  Goodness, that must have been quite a disruption to have in a boy's home!  He showed his softer side too.  He was quite right about what would have become of young Jed too.  Very sweet and an original take on how they left Valparaiso.


 Stepha3nie -    Oh! what a super, scary, spooky, spine-chilling spectacular.  All those terrible nightmares and I won't ruin it for anyone else by saying anymore about what is going on with the dreams.  Loved it and just perfect for the season! 

Moonpie:  ah, another version of how they left Valparaiso -- I love the different ideas folks have.  Certainly have the beginnings to their days of glory.  I like the sentence "A lantern was held up pouring caustic light in the blinking eyes."  Very descriptive.

Stepha3nie:  Yay, you finished the story and kept it in the word limit.  I like the references to the various episodes and how they could have ended so differently.  I also enjoyed the contrast between how Heyes' job went and how the rest of his world was going.  A good halloween ending -- I won't give it away.

Remuda:  Several of us are repeating stories, and this is a good one.  I like the lighter tone of this one in contrast to so many dark stories this month.  You do a great job of slowly leading us to the explanation of why Heyes is on his back at the beginning.  Great pacing on the story.

Remuda -  You know I'm a sucker for historical notes and stories based on facts.  You start with the waking of the man on the ground and explore the dawning of consciousness starting wide and narrowing the perspective until you take us all to the nub of the problem.  Yes, Heyes is certainly likely to be going along deep in thought like that.  A lovely vignette and a great counterpoint to many scary stories.

Moonpie - This was very sweet, but there was a shrewdness underneath showing us the skills Heyes had to run his criminal gang.  He managed the inmates by keeping them on side and by protecting them from the bully, Chugg.  But he was smart enough to see what was going to happen to them and had already started on a plan to get them out.  The raid on the baker's shop was just the catalyst they needed to make a run for it.  Lots of fun and a different take on why they left Valparaiso.       

Stepha3nie - What an wonderful and imaginative way to scare the living daylights out of us!  I loved the references to the different episodes and the way you showed us Heyes getting weaker and weaker as he struggled against the mystery 'watcher.'  Oh, how ironic that the Kid's kind action was, well...  People will have to read for themselves.    

Remuda - I did wonder where this was starting and thought that maybe Heyes had been captured, but it was almost like a camera panning out to show us the bigger picture accompanies by a narrative of his inner thoughts.  Yes.  This was very like him.  The Kid was so right.  Some light to go with the shade.

Keays:  Perfect snippet for the prompt.  It's heart-wrenching to watch Heyes suffer a father's worst nightmare.

HunkeyDorey:  I remembered the mourning brooch, but really enjoyed re-reading this tale of another father's love.  It takes more than genetics to make a parent.  The boys looked like fearsome, not pretty good bad, men through the eyes of their victim.

Moonpie:  The struggle for supremacy in Valpairaiso taught Heyes and the Kid the value of having a gang at their backs.  They might have gotten their Thanksgiving but I'm sure it was a cold, hard one and possibly their last as they start on the road to outlawing.

Stephanie:  This was a very chilling story.  Bilson proved every bit as wily as a ghost as he had been in real life.  I really felt the weight of the nightmares dragging Heyes down and the stress of them affecting him during the day.  We've all felt that frisson of unexplained anxiety from time to time.  Great ending, too, leaving us all shaken with the idea of what might happen next.  Very well-done!!

Remuda:  LOL, loved this line--"Taking a ride?  On the ground?"  That Heyes never stops thinking does he?  I love the idea that all this took place in his head in the space of seconds.

Remuda:

As I read your story, I felt like Heyes did, gradually coming to an awareness of what was going on as he struggled to figure out what had happened to him. Even in his half conscious state he couldn't get his mind to stop running, taking us in so many directions. Finally the Kid makes his appearance, and as he often does, helps Heyes get his mental as well as physical bearings. A nice snippet of their partnership as well and the inner workings of Heyes mind. Another recycled story that was new to me, thanks for posting it.

Stephanie - What a perfect Halloween scare and the last line really stays with you!    I couldn't see who the 'watcher' was at first, but you paced it just perfectly to keep it the drip, drip, drip of tiredness wearing Heyes down timed with the mounting tension.  A wonderful tale of horror  


Remuda - Fits the prompt perfectly and it appears to be very simple at first sight, but it is very cleverly constructed and puts the reader right into the head of a man who has been thinking so hard he didn't see that branch coming.  Great lines from the Kid too.  Another story worth reposting because this was new to me too.

Thanks, October writers, for all your wonderful contributions! 

Riders57:  Spooky! I see why the bartender was looking at Kid during their "conversation" with Clancy. The bartender must have overheard some of what Heyes and Curry were saying and wondered. I can see why Muddy Gap deteriorated, with the ghosts and memories of such sadness. What a melancholy story, and so perfect for the season and the prompt.

Silverkelpie:  It's Chuckie! At least, I think that was your inspiration. Steve the policeman is certainly observant and knowledgeable. finally, I feel sorry for our boys again. Such a nice job they had, even with a place to stay, and they're out of work again.

Inside Outlaw: I posted a longer review on the fanfiction site, so I'll just say again, the comparison/similarities between Heyes and Will are spot on.

Javabee: This made me wistful and sad, as it probably does to any of us who have lost people we love. I wish this were a true story, and that the dead would stay around us and still help us in the physical world. But it could, couldn't it? As a friend told me once, energy never goes away; it only changes.

Keays: Poor Heyes! I'm so glad I read the rest of the story and know how it all ends.

Hunkeydorey:  I remember reading this story on another site. It really stayed with me. That's the mark of a good story, isn't it? You never forget it. It's sad for Isabelle that it took a frightening visit from Curry and Heyes to find out that her father really loved her.

Okay, resuming -- cat got off my lap and I can type again.

Moonpie:  My favorite lines here are, "you fight like a girl," and Hannibal answering, "I win, and that's all that matters. It ain't my fault if you can't beat a girl." He already had a guiding philosophy at that young age, and already was running his own gang. And you know, it makes me sad. Young lives already ruined. Very sad, very realistic. Well done.

Stepha3nie: Oooh, you're right, it is a dark story, but scary and appropriate for the season. The power of evil is the darkness within all of us, isn't it? What if it lives beyond the grave? Great response to the prompt.

Remuda: I don't mind a repeat! You take us inside Heyes' head (already a scary place! ) and we follow along with him. "A certain branch mocked him." Yeah, sometimes inanimate objects have it in for you.

Finally some time to read the October stories

Riders - what a skillfully moody story, which makes you really feel the rain in your skin and the chill in your bones ! From the depressing atmosphere entering Muddy Gap, to the unease slowly building up, to the desolate realisation at the end, you managed to keep us on the illusion of Clancy' presence until the end. I enjoyed it very much.

Sorry for being so late with my comments. I accidentally deleted the document I had written them in and had to start from scratch again...



Riders57: very fitting story for the prompt. You set a dreary atmosphere with the rain, mud, the dilapidated, grey town, the monosyllabic hotel clerk, the bartender re-arranging dusty bottles on the shelf. A fitting setting for a sad story of love, jealousy, loss and regrets. You have written it so cleverly, that you had me completely fooled  about Clancy, just like the boys. On second reading there seemed to be many pointers towards what was really happening. No wonder the town is haunted and sad things happen on the anniversary during the storms. Thank you for adding a little ray of hope and sunshine at the end, even though it seemed bittersweet to me.
The boys are in for a rollercoaster ride of emotions
 
 
Silverkelpie: Great topic, inheritance from a magician, what a rich treasure trove from which to spin a tale. Through Marie we get drawn in, perceive the house and the things as creepy and learn about a tragic event. Mood set, you build up hope that the creepy automaton might be a blessing in disguise, even though it is very creepy. Did such puppets really exist? And then you just keep ratcheting up the tension and events. How much is nightmare, how much is madness? Where (or when) did it start? Is the puppet possessed, or evil in itself? You leave enough open to let the reader wonder and engage.
Good job that Kid trusts his instincts and Heyes trusts the Kid. I am glad the boys escape any curses. The modern end is great – makes the story all the more chilling. That is a really deliciously dark end. But no matter how dark the story, you still manage to insert enough humour and friendly passages to temper it. A really great Halloween story.
Kid gets great lines like: That’s just the amount of work that needs doin’, Joshua,” the Kid grinned.  “As long as I’ve known you, nothing's brought you down faster than the prospect of an honest day’s work
 
 
InsideOutlaw: I am happy to see the next installment of your series about Heyes’ bad day, but I am sad to see that it is the last.
I like how Heyes at first is not back to his normal genius self and Kid has to come up with the initial idea how to surprise Will and his gang. Loved the Kid’s alias. But Will proves more clever than expected and Heyes has to come up with a plan B. And this is where Heyes excels: simple, but effective solutions thought up on the fly. If the Kid does not appreciate the hornets – it was his own fault for being too stubborn to leave when he had the chance.
Then you show your true genius. You could just have ended the story with Heyes getting his things back, but you added not only one, but two twists I was not expecting.
First Heyes shows his practical side and that he doesn’t hold grudges by offering Will to join him. It’s smart trying to turn another smart outlaw into an ally rather than an enemy. Even though Will turns him down, I still see Heyes as the winner. He has come a long way from drinking himself into a stupor in the first chapter.
The second twist is Will’s reasoning for not joining. Will seems to come out as the smarter outlaw, avoiding attention and so being able continue doing what he does. But on the other hand, he is exactly the kind of robber, the boys don’t want to be: stealing from people, directly hurting them, instead of going after institutions. In my opinion Will might be smart, but he is far worse than our boys.
Kid always seems to get the best lines. I loved: “You want me to lose my money?  Don’t you think you givin’ them all of yours was enough?”
And I thought the Kid’s observation of Will’s pokerface is a good sum up of Will: “…deep-seated belief he’d win in the end…”
 
 
Javabee: I like how you contrast from the beginning the situation of the women and the boys. The women save inside, in the warmth of the house, the boys out in the elements, the cold. At first it looks like the men are just out for the day, but then slowly the idea that something supernatural is going on is introduced. I loved how you left it open for the reader to decide how the work around the farm gets done. It does not feel like something left out, it feels more like being drawn in and trusted with a part.
A really beautiful story, paced just right.
Mother is a very wise woman, seeing right into the boys. The atmosphere you create in the house is so warm, homely, save. Your description of Mother telling stories made me long to be there myself. Again it is contrasted with the storm at night and the uneasy dreams the boys first have.
It looked to me like the women get the rewards for living a good life and staying despite difficulties, while the boys are currently reaping the rewards for their outlaw ways, for having taken the easier road to make money. The boys are out in the cold, depend on others for work, food, shelter and suffer nightmares, but there is a change coming for them. Since they have decided to go straight, they get some small rewards: they are given food and shelter and the nightmares don’t last long and the rest of the night is peaceful for them.
The women and the baby also reminded me of the triple goddess: maiden, mother and crone. This goddess does not need help from men.
I really liked: “Angels come in all shapes and sizes. Sometimes their wings are tarnished, but they’re angels just the same.” And “None of us are ever really alone, son.”
 
 
Keays: I knew your epic would be up to provide something for the prompt. You chose a really haunting scene. Poor Heyes is tormented by his experience in prison, his horror of the dark cell, being completely helpless. On top of that comes the nightmare of first his daughter calling out to him and then refusing him. It must be heartbreaking to a father. To make the nightmare even worse, it turns into a struggle of life and death, as Heyes gets sucked into the mud and is swallowed by it.
You start with an unpleasant situation and then inexorably ratchet up the suffering to the point where Heyes gets literally swallowed by it.
Very haunting and heartbreaking.
 
 
Hunkeydorey: I remember reading this story before and it is a great fit for the prompt. It is interesting how you use telling the story from the girl’s pov to make the boys appear in a different light. They seem frightening and dangerous at first, even though ASJ fans know they would never hurt a woman. A family secret is at the heart of the story, the boys are the catalysts who bring the secret into the open and ultimately leave father and daughter, whom they seemed to be robbing in the beginning, with a big gift. Before, the father could not express his love to his daughter and she did not understand him. After she appreciates the depth of his love, knows his pride in her and the sacrifices he made. And I think because the secret is out in the open, he can now better express his feelings to her.
I liked how you used the mourning brooch to start off and end the story. In the beginning it is a symbol of loss, feeling alone, in the end it looks to me like a symbol of love.
Even though I knew of this custom before, I liked how you wove it into your story; it is always nice to see authentic things used in ASJ fiction.
 
 
Moonpie: A look at the boys as boys. Heyes persona already seems pretty much formed. He is smart, a schemer and planner, is good at organising, already has a gang. There is also the strong sense of responsibility for Jed, caring for him more important than anything. He dislikes the bully and uses any means to beat him – if fighting does not lead to the goal, then undermining his influence will. He already is a realist, knows his limitations. And of course we see the beginnings of the outlaw: he organised stealing from a baker. He will not go to jail and he is developing his lock picking skills. I like that he does not steal from any baker, but he hits the one is a crook himself and provides bad quality food for the boys of Valparaiso. And I like how he already seems to have a plan B ready.
He might not succeed with getting the food to the boys, but that was due to the bully who tagged along. I loved how Heyes put him down, when Chugg claimed to be a friend.
My favourite part was: “I’m leavin’ the door open for them, Jed.  The rest is up to them.  I can’t look after everyone.  I got enough lookin’ after you.”  Hannibal shook his head.  “Don’t look at me like that.  I ain’t bein’ hard.  It’s like life threw us in a river.  If ya fight and grab at the water you drown, but once ya relax and go with the flow, ya float.  This is our current and we gotta go with it.  Come on.”
 
 
Remuda: If all recycled oldies are this good, I say: Bring on the oldies!
A fascinating glimpse into the mind of a genius, if a somewhat inattentive genius. All those possibilities whirling around in his brain, no wonder Heyes needed some quiet, away from the gang to think things through. I loved the humour you brought into the story, the “mocking brach”, Kid’s remarks and of course the starting point of the story, Heyes being so busy thinking that he does not see the branch he rides into.
The story also shows that a gang leader does not always have to come up with new plans, but he has to be wise enough to know how to sort the good from the bad. Even if it leaves him with no plan for a while.
The story also shows many aspects of the partnership. The boys complement each other, Heyes may be the thinker, but he needs Kid’s practicality. It shows bad things happen when they split up. And it shows that Kid is also smart (he had come to the same conclusion as Heyes), but Heyes is the one who plans the details and who carries the responsibility. There is their banter and also caring for the other. And all in a pleasant package.
I love this story!

Silverkelpie -- if this is a repeat, I don't remember it.  Really enjoyed the first sentence, it set the scene well and I could just feel the cold.  Interesting way to get their amnesty and I can see a Heyes scheme doing just that.  The flashes back were moving.

Thanks, Riders.  It was never a challenge and wasn't put on fanfic.net until last year, so is probably under quite a lot of people's radar.

Continuing on October stories :
Silverkelpie - That was one creepy story and another one where the anguish builds up slowly and dramatically. I love the constant interplay between rationality and supernatural and how, despite the boys' decision to trust their instincts on this one, the malediction manages to survive. Did you have a particular relation in mind with the count of Cagliostro ?

You spotted it, Eva.  Yes, I used the name of an occultist and it seemed even more apt that it was actually an alias.  

Silverkelpie:  I remember this challenge and enjoyed it every bit as much as the first time.  Well done!

Ok feedback, I have finally started reading the 'Talk of the Devil' challenge for November.    And rather than leaving it all to one big lump at the end of the month I will do it in bits-n-bobs as I go along.


Silverkelpie ~ I loved the constant regression through the stages of the boys resolutions.  Your talent for description never lets you down and you had me feeling the need to wrap up warm at the very outset with your opening scene setting.  And I loved the way you finally got the boys their amnesty, still walking a fine line with the truth, even though they both well deserved that almost mythical document.

You brought a lot to this tale of growing innocence, and my favourite line has to be "If it rained soup, Wheat and Kyle would run outside with forks."
I laughed out loud at the line

InsideOutlaw ~ I loved this poignant tale, with the realisation of past deeds catching up with the boys, and the Kid's soul searching about whether they are deserving or not. 

Very well written and pulled at the heartstrings, and my heart certainly went out to poor Cord.

My favourite line from your story has to be, "He'd noticed the finely broken blood vessels decorating the man's nose, a sure sign of a long familiarity with cheap tongue oil."  Inspired!

Thank you IO for a beautifully written story.

Keays:  So Silky and Miranda's former husband were legitimate business partners?  That will make for some interesting interactions between Heyes and his mentor.  You captured Silky's gruff nature perfectly and Heyes' discomfort over discussing his wife's ex rang true.  Nicely done.

I also enjoyed the snippet from TOF!

Nancy Whiskey:  Fabulous story!  I could just see Heyes and the Kid being tortured by the young violinist and deciding to put him in his place.  I can't help but commiserate--the violin in the hands of a novice is definitely a torture device.  Heyes spun a great tale and that snotty little kid had it coming.  Your mention of the crossroads put me in mind of Robert Johnson's old blues song, Crossroads Blues, covered by Clapton.