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 Applause and Feedback

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Silverkelpie

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PostSubject: Feedback and Applause.   Mon Sep 09, 2013 4:30 pm

Riders - What a great way to kick off the new challenges!  Loved the very visual feel of the piece and you gave me the sensation of sitting in a dank, cold cave with phrases like: "Both sat in silence, absorbed in the flickering shadows sent around the cavern by the candle.  They listened to the storm continuing to rage outside."  Loved the use of the storm to drive home an epiphany.  applause
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Hunkeydorey

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Mon Sep 09, 2013 5:52 pm

Riders - What a great way to make someone want to give up the outlaw life; first of all the job goes wrong, then you're the ones who get chased, your leadership is being challenged, you're caught in a storm and a rock fall and then you can't light a fire to get warm. Yup, that'd push me over the edge, but at least they had their companionship. That never waivered.
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Tashmina

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Mon Sep 09, 2013 6:09 pm

Riders - Great story, Riders and you start with the bar high! Great bantering, "Yeah, Heyes, sometimes you’re almost the genius you think you are,." and, "I’m gettin’ real tired of bein’ this popular." The boys suffered a lot in this one, but you caught their characters so well in the way they jibe gently and playfully but are just always there for one another. Yes, this seems a very plausible last straw to push them out of that life. cowboy 9 
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Gringa

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Mon Sep 09, 2013 6:34 pm

Riders - I am so glad that challenge stories have been started on here. What a great bedtime tale for me, of rivalry with Wheat, a very visual chase and a cold, dank cave to sit in and listen to the driving rain. cowboy 11 They got away this time but they both know that they might not be so lucky next time. As others have said you caught the way they speak and banter so very well. A great start to the challenges.clapping 
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HannaHeyes

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Mon Sep 09, 2013 6:47 pm

Riders - Wonderful story. Seemed very plausible for that to happen while being chased by a posse and before they head off to see Lom. The banter rang authentic. And I love anything that has to do with a cave ;)
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InsideOutlaw

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Tue Sep 10, 2013 10:06 am

Lots of great action in this one, Riders. I could just imagine the thunder racketing through the rocks. I enjoyed the interactions between the two partners. The Kid knows to keep the question alive and to let Heyes come to the solution slowly. Brave you, posting the very first challenge story!!
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riders57

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Wed Sep 11, 2013 9:33 am

HH -- I'm so glad you posted a challenge.  When I started reading I thought you were going to go down the "road less traveled" analogy so you surprised (and delighted) me with a different symbolic use of the road.  A very emotional, heartfelt piece.  I do think, however, that it would be stronger if you kept the voice the same throughout --either first person (Heyes) or third person -- I did find it jarring to go from Heyes recounting his dream as he lived it to third person with Curry waking him up.  Nonetheless, I really enjoyed the story.  One phrase I thought was particularly good:  "a part of my heart was ripped away by the storm, carried off, along with the world I had known..."  Good use of the prompt.
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Silverkelpie

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Wed Sep 11, 2013 2:54 pm

HH - Great take on the Prompt, the storm being a nightmare of the disorganised, chaotic vortex of a life in which they simply survive rather than live life to the full. A great way to capture the fact that they are men and don't get too 'mushy' either. The understatement was more effective juxtaposed the gushing emotions of the dream.
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Gringa

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Wed Sep 11, 2013 2:56 pm

HH - I did think about doing a 'brainstorm' take but did not come up with anything as powerfully described as the dream you lay out. It was so well done I think I will look somewhere else for inspiration.clapping 
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Hunkeydorey

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Wed Sep 11, 2013 4:32 pm

HH - What beautiful descriptive writing in the dream section of the storm. Phrases like this made me feel this was very visual and sucked me in like a tornado. Wonderful mental images in this one.thunderstorm 

'Why was this path the one I had to travel? It was a despairing path, full of heartache and grief. The hole continued to grow. From within it's depths, I could hear screams of agony. What was down there?'
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Tashmina

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Wed Sep 11, 2013 5:05 pm

HH - Another wonderful addition to our new challenge and I'm impressed at the way you gave this a literal as well as a figurative spin. Wonderful descriptions as others have said and it also catches the relationship between the boys so well. I do know what riders meant about the switch from first person, but you still kept me in the story with sentences like, 'a part of my heart, was ripped away by the storm, carried off, along with the world I had known.'
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Silverkelpie

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Fri Sep 13, 2013 2:50 pm

Keays - Oh, Heyes' mood certainly qualifies for the prompt here!  Very stormy and you have to admit he has a point, especially when he says, "DAMMIT!! EVEN CANADA WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER THAN PRISON."

LOL, it's a good job we know you're Canadian or folks might take offence.

You can really tell this has been edited too.  I do prefer this version.


Last edited by Silverkelpie on Fri Sep 13, 2013 6:59 pm; edited 1 time in total
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HannaHeyes

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Fri Sep 13, 2013 6:23 pm

Keays - I can understand why Heyes is so angry. I would be too in that position! What a horrid future to have to look forward to. I really feel for him in this piece. Good job :)
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riders57

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Wed Sep 18, 2013 9:43 am

Remuda -- you build the tension very well here, using the storm to heighten it. I love the little note at the end explaining who McCall was. All round a good read.
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riders57

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Thu Sep 19, 2013 9:23 am

InsideOutlaw -- welcome to the challenge here. This was a very interesting perspective on their reaction to amnesty -- thought provoking. Thanks for putting it out there. I did like the mood you set, and enjoyed the imagery of life as a bumpy road with Heyes anticipating the next pothole. Altogether a good read.
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InsideOutlaw

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Thu Sep 19, 2013 10:16 am

Riders: I could certainly feel the storm raging around them; you described it so well. Thanks for this scene explaining the change of heart about the amnesty. Running for your life would definitely add a different perspective. Well done!
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InsideOutlaw

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Thu Sep 19, 2013 10:22 am

Hanna Heyes: This was a very dark glimpse into Heyes's psyche and I really liked it. What a torturous dream to have to relive over and over; and he did pick the wrong path, didn't he? Very well written!bounce 
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InsideOutlaw

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Thu Sep 19, 2013 10:26 am

Keays: This certainly fit the prompt. For those of us who have read Twist of Fate, we know that a heckuva big storm is coming Heyes's way. Nice editing, too.
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InsideOutlaw

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Thu Sep 19, 2013 10:28 am

Remuda: Noooo, don't leave us here! What happened next? You set the mood very nicely here and sucked me right into the story; only it was over too soon. More please. clapping 
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Keays

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Thu Sep 19, 2013 6:51 pm

Everybody seems to be appreciating my editing. That's a good thing, but it makes me wonder what other errors I'm making that nobody is telling me about! Please, please tell me!
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Keays

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Thu Sep 19, 2013 6:52 pm

I agree with InOut, Remuda! Great story, but it ended way to abruptly! What happened?
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HannaHeyes

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Thu Sep 19, 2013 8:20 pm

Remuda - Great poker game scene. It was described very well, very intense. Enjoyed the historical notes at the end. But it can't end there! Which dark haired man fell?! Tell me I'm right and it wasn't Heyes! :shock: 
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HannaHeyes

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Thu Sep 19, 2013 8:25 pm

InsideOutlaw - This was a side of getting the amnesty not often looked at. Indeed it might make some people want to hunt them down more. The storm mirrored Heyes's musings perfectly. I enjoyed the bumpy road analogy. Well done!
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Silverkelpie

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Fri Sep 20, 2013 3:05 pm

Remuda - Great title and right on mark for the prompt. As everyone else has said, it ended too soon. How clever of you to leave us wanting more... now please tell us it's coming?

InsideOutlaw - Yes, the amnesty could be the calm before the storm. So many stories have been written about that meeting and how it is likely to go, but I'm sure I speak to a lot of people when I say we'd love to read your version of it. It did love this line: "it had become such a deeply ingrained habit that he could no longer enjoy the moment without worrying about the future."
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Gringa

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Fri Sep 20, 2013 3:29 pm

Keays - Yes, such a gathering storm and an excellent fit for the prompt. Having read 'Ghosts' before 'Twist of Fate' I know what's coming but somehow that makes it all so much more poignant and sad. I hope these snippets draw others to read your story.

Remuda - I agree, you do cruel leaving us there! coboy 8  How can you leave us hanging there? I did love the historical note. Now get writing and give us the rest or we're hiding Kid from you!

InsideOutlaw - There have been many stories about the meeting with the Governor, but it's a different take to have it as the calm before the storm. It's very interesting to see all the worries and thought processes swirling around the mind of a man who overthinks things so much, but hopefully he'll be prepared for anything.

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