Alias Smith and Jones Fun and Fanfiction
Alias Smith and Jones Fun and Fanfiction

A site for all kinds of fun for fans of Alias Smith and Jones
 
HomeHome  PortalPortal  CalendarCalendar  UsergroupsUsergroups  RegisterRegister  Log in  

Share | 
 

 Applause and Feedback

View previous topic View next topic Go down 
Go to page : 1, 2, 3 ... 13 ... 26  Next
AuthorMessage
Silverkelpie

avatar

Posts : 1409
Join date : 2013-08-24
Age : 57
Location : Over the rainbow

PostSubject: Applause and Feedback   Sun Nov 01, 2015 9:43 am

Javabee - You've caught Harry Briscoe at his bumbling best and given us a truly original take on the prompt.  Loved all of  Harry's time wasting and incompetence.  I thought the man was going to burst a blood vessel!  Loved the line, “Outside the law?” Hodges glanced at Trottier incredulously. “Isn’t that why we call them “outlaws”?”  My suspicions are closer to home than Harry's.  I can't wait to read the rest of this.   

Remuda - You painted a wonderful picture of the storm biting through the riders.  I love that you made Heyes a decent cook to compensate for his bad coffee. and the second 'bang' being greeted by a "No need to be greedy, Kid." made me smile.  You then proceeded to build the tension like a master.  I'm really hoping you continue with this one.

_________________
Na sir 's na seachainn an cath - Neither seek nor shun the fight      Old Scottish proverb
Back to top Go down
InsideOutlaw

avatar

Posts : 483
Join date : 2013-08-25
Age : 62
Location : Colorado

PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Sun Nov 01, 2015 10:29 am

Javabee:  What a clever plot!  And, I love that you've written Harry as a nearly competent detective.  So often, he's portrayed as a totally bumbling fool, but he never would've been a Bannerman if that were true.  Here, he is smart enough to figure out Heyes' scheme, but failed to suspect a Chinese woman of being in on the plan--probably a typical oversight for males of that era.  The whole tale is beautifully written with great descriptive phrases. Clapping hard.  cheers

_________________
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

“The purpose of life isn’t to arrive at death in perfect condition but to slide into it sideways with your hair mussed, your clothes disheveled, a martini in one hand and chocolate in the other, shouting ‘Whooeee, what a ride!’”--Hunter S. Thompson
Back to top Go down
InsideOutlaw

avatar

Posts : 483
Join date : 2013-08-25
Age : 62
Location : Colorado

PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Sun Nov 01, 2015 10:32 am

Remuda:  Aargh, a cliffhanger!  You set the mood nicely and then ratcheted up the tension to a fever pitch as Heyes searched for his partner under the posse's noses.  I'm hoping you're planning to continue this one.

_________________
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

“The purpose of life isn’t to arrive at death in perfect condition but to slide into it sideways with your hair mussed, your clothes disheveled, a martini in one hand and chocolate in the other, shouting ‘Whooeee, what a ride!’”--Hunter S. Thompson
Back to top Go down
Javabee

avatar

Posts : 798
Join date : 2013-09-08
Age : 61
Location : Seattle

PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Sun Nov 01, 2015 2:32 pm

Remuda 2:

I enjoyed all your descriptive touches, and especially Heyes daydreaming about what their future might bring. With Kid hunting dinner and Heyes setting up camp, it all seemed pleasant, if not completely comfortable. Then you deftly turned it all around, leaving us hanging with an injury and pursuit. I am waiting for the finale on this one. Thanks, Remuda!

_________________
"If I asked for a cup of coffee, someone would search for the double meaning." Mae West
coffee 


Last edited by Javabee on Mon Nov 02, 2015 9:35 pm; edited 2 times in total
Back to top Go down
Javabee

avatar

Posts : 798
Join date : 2013-09-08
Age : 61
Location : Seattle

PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Sun Nov 01, 2015 3:07 pm

Riders 2:

A great plot with the boys trying to clear their names, a nasty villain, and a strong female character. I especially love Elspeth. I believe there is much more to this woman than meets the eye. She comes across as almost too firm, but you have left hints as to her true nature, as in this passage: "As her eyes turned from the sketch, the softness in them disappeared.  She paused and drew a deep breath as her features hardened into firm lines."  What has happened in this woman's life to make her what she is today? You've got me wondering. I hope there is more to come.

_________________
"If I asked for a cup of coffee, someone would search for the double meaning." Mae West
coffee 


Last edited by Javabee on Sun Nov 01, 2015 3:32 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top Go down
Hunkeydorey

avatar

Posts : 534
Join date : 2013-08-24
Location : London

PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Sun Nov 01, 2015 3:14 pm

Javabee - I love a Harry story and this is a great one.  He was driving his clients to distraction, and at the same time missing something very obvious right under his nose.  Mooncakes is a great take on the prompt and the plot is really original.  I can't wait for the rest of this one.

Remuda - Beautifully written as always, and the moment when Heyes hears the second bang really captures the easy relationship between the boys.  You cleverly build the tension and leave us with a tantalising cliff hanger.  Hurry back with the next part or the puppy gets it! Muahahaha!
Back to top Go down
Javabee

avatar

Posts : 798
Join date : 2013-09-08
Age : 61
Location : Seattle

PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Sun Nov 01, 2015 3:30 pm

Skykomish:

As others have said, the scene with Heyes and the boy looking at the stars was really quite special. Heyes started out feeling as though he didn't know how to act around children, but then handled his time with Jimmy masterfully. They ended up having a very poignant conversation, with Sarah listening in the background. Whatever doubts she had about Heyes have been quenched, at least for now. Thanks, Sky. Great entry!

_________________
"If I asked for a cup of coffee, someone would search for the double meaning." Mae West
coffee 
Back to top Go down
Javabee

avatar

Posts : 798
Join date : 2013-09-08
Age : 61
Location : Seattle

PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Sun Nov 01, 2015 3:44 pm

HelenWest:

Helen, your ongoing saga is a great favorite of mine. The easy relationship Beth has with her ex-outlaw husband is wonderful to see. Coupling this with what I would call an epic meeting of minds, that of Heyes and Twain, makes this a truly special chapter. Your version of what that meeting might have been like it a treat to read. Thanks for posting!

_________________
"If I asked for a cup of coffee, someone would search for the double meaning." Mae West
coffee 


Last edited by Javabee on Mon Nov 02, 2015 6:56 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top Go down
Javabee

avatar

Posts : 798
Join date : 2013-09-08
Age : 61
Location : Seattle

PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Sun Nov 01, 2015 3:56 pm

Keays:

Honeymoon is a great spin on the prompt, and you have used it to write a sweet romantic interlude for the newlyweds. It's so nice to see Heyes and Miranda sharing a sweet moment together. Thanks, Keays.

_________________
"If I asked for a cup of coffee, someone would search for the double meaning." Mae West
coffee 
Back to top Go down
Javabee

avatar

Posts : 798
Join date : 2013-09-08
Age : 61
Location : Seattle

PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Sun Nov 01, 2015 4:07 pm

Hunkeydorey 2:

Now we know where the boys get it from! Your Mrs. Curry just gave us all a lesson on how to put a pretentious snob in her place, complete with glow in the dark moonflowers. Great stuff, thanks HD.

_________________
"If I asked for a cup of coffee, someone would search for the double meaning." Mae West
coffee 
Back to top Go down
Javabee

avatar

Posts : 798
Join date : 2013-09-08
Age : 61
Location : Seattle

PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Sun Nov 01, 2015 4:29 pm

Silverkelpie:

Just like Heyes, you have left me wondering exactly what happened. Did Charlie Moon really die? What did Heyes really see in the graveyard? Between his illness and the spooky setting, it's no wonder Heyes is left all these years later with uneasy memories. Great explanation on why he got himself and his cousin out of there. Wonderfully creepy last line. Thanks, SK.

_________________
"If I asked for a cup of coffee, someone would search for the double meaning." Mae West
coffee 
Back to top Go down
skykomish

avatar

Posts : 181
Join date : 2013-08-25
Age : 60

PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Sun Nov 01, 2015 9:11 pm

Silverkelpie - This is one spooky tale.  Charlie is a fascinating character.  I couldn't tell what was happening with him.  Is he crazy.  Is he something supernatural.  Is he both.  Or is he just a troubled boy.  I love the idea that they left Valparaiso for a reason that had nothing to do with abuse or hard conditions.  Raw fear is a wonderful motivator.  This line was particularly evocative  "... until the very blackness itself seemed to churn and roll around the albino boy, who appeared to be radiant and shining in the midst of a maelstrom of night."  Wonderful story for Halloween. 

Hunkeydorey - Fun story.  That Moon woman was a piece of work.  Mrs. Curry is not a person you offend lightly.  I liked her standing up for her husband, her children, and the good name of her family.  I enjoyed reading this.

Keays -  Lovely moment in time between a honeymooning couple.

_________________
When you put your hand in a flowing stream, you touch the last that has gone before and the first of what is still to come.
- Leonardo DaVinci
Back to top Go down
Remuda

avatar

Posts : 757
Join date : 2013-08-25
Age : 42

PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Mon Nov 02, 2015 1:07 am

Riders
Great start.  Elspeth sure has a whopper of a name, and so realistic that she's known by so many variations depending on who is in her company.  Jamison is quite the diva; he already sounds suspicious.  And our boys thus far find themselves with a major calamity and several minor ones in their court.  Hope their luck improves.  Interesting history here as well.  Well done!  Looking forward to the continuation.

Javabee
Oh my, this is classic Harry Briscoe!  Mooncakes?  Really, Harry?  LOL  The pacing is spot on, and the overall concept great.  At first I thought Harry really had something there.  Wouldn't it be funny if he was on the right track but presenting it the wrong way?  Maybe it's Li Ming in the bakery with the hieroglyfics, or something like that.  Favorite line, "This time he frowned so severely, his bushy brows connected in the center, creating the illusion of a furry centipede."  Too funny!

_________________
Fast is fine, but accuracy is everything. ~ Wyatt Earp
Back to top Go down
riders57

avatar

Posts : 536
Join date : 2013-08-24
Age : 60

PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Mon Nov 02, 2015 10:34 am

Last is certainly not least:

Javabee:  What a wonderful story.  You create an entertaining tale with one of my favorite characters -- Harry Briscoe -- and an indictment of society at the time, in the tale of Li Ming.  The third paragraph really sets up Li Ming as the mining executives see her.  Once Briscoe arrives -- I like the quiet reference to the Preacher -- Briscoe is wrong as he frequently was in the show and equally overconfident.  I loved the scene where Briscoe opened the door expecting to find an eavesdropper and finds only Li Ming -- very clearly highlights the way women, servants, and Chinese were viewed at the time.  Finally I enjoy the connections that the men miss:  Li Ming, Ming Chinese Laundry, and Ming Bakery.  All round a great story.

Remuda:  I love the image created by "rushes of crisp leaves crescendoing overhead and crackling underfoot."  So they appear to find the perfect shelter, but maybe its not so perfect after all.  And yes, they would both need to be able to cook.  I loved the lack of concern about the shots, after all Heyes was expecting to hear shots, and his assumption that the Kid had hit whatever he was aiming at with the first shot and just being greedy was fun.  Finally, I really enjoyed the uncertainty at the end -- were the men hunting Heyes and Curry or hunting something else and shot Curry without even realizing it?  Can't wait to find out.
Back to top Go down
Javabee

avatar

Posts : 798
Join date : 2013-09-08
Age : 61
Location : Seattle

PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Mon Nov 02, 2015 10:49 am

Hunkeydorey:

Heyes has learned at a young age the value of book learning, but also that pearls of wisdom can come from other sources, including his partner. The Sheriff needs to learn just because someone goes to the library, it does not mean he is an honest citizen, ha! Loved the last line, thanks HD!

_________________
"If I asked for a cup of coffee, someone would search for the double meaning." Mae West
coffee 


Last edited by Javabee on Mon Nov 02, 2015 6:01 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top Go down
Javabee

avatar

Posts : 798
Join date : 2013-09-08
Age : 61
Location : Seattle

PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Mon Nov 02, 2015 11:40 am

Stepha3nie:

You nailed Wheat in this, a big, blustery hardened outlaw, who also happens to be loyal to his friends, right down to the bitter end. Somehow Wheat is every bit the self serving tough guy, who still manages to be sentimental. This says it all: The man was still for some time, his eyes no longer looking ahead, but instead seeing pictures of days past.  When they had been younger.  When they had all still been together.  The posturing and nagging, the bickering, the jibes, the cursing and fights, the incredible things they had pulled off.  Together.  Good times.  You have written a lovely, bittersweet, heart rending story. Thanks S3!

_________________
"If I asked for a cup of coffee, someone would search for the double meaning." Mae West
coffee 
Back to top Go down
Javabee

avatar

Posts : 798
Join date : 2013-09-08
Age : 61
Location : Seattle

PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Mon Nov 02, 2015 7:11 pm

Remuda 1:

Heyes gradually becomes aware of his surroundings, right along with the reader in this beautifully written story. The main thing I came away with, is the depth of searing loneliness he had to endure, along with the impact of adulthood being forced on him so prematurely. It so clearly illustrates why these boys grew up with so close a bond; they truly were all each other had, and even that was tenuous, as the young Heyes learned. Very poignant and touching. Thanks, Remuda!

_________________
"If I asked for a cup of coffee, someone would search for the double meaning." Mae West
coffee 


Last edited by Javabee on Mon Nov 02, 2015 9:33 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top Go down
Javabee

avatar

Posts : 798
Join date : 2013-09-08
Age : 61
Location : Seattle

PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Mon Nov 02, 2015 7:47 pm

InsideOutlaw:

Your story is a perfect example of how even the best-laid plans, even one created by a genius like Heyes, can still get thwarted. Unless of course you are in cahoots with someone that can think on his feet, like Preacher. The image of Preacher leading the flock of faithful out of town like the pied piper is priceless! Great use of the prompt, and timely too. Thanks for giving us this very entertaining story, IO!!

_________________
"If I asked for a cup of coffee, someone would search for the double meaning." Mae West
coffee 
Back to top Go down
Javabee

avatar

Posts : 798
Join date : 2013-09-08
Age : 61
Location : Seattle

PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Tue Nov 03, 2015 1:13 am

Riders:

This is such a great moment between the boys, showcasing their wonderful, almost symbiotic relationship. It's interesting that Heyes thinks he has manipulated Kid; you would think he would know his partner better than that. I wonder if that is just his excuse for taking responsibility for the mistakes they have made. Kid sets him straight with this line: "You manipulate folks, Heyes; you’re good at it.  It’s saved our skins I can’t count how many times.  But you have never been able to manipulate me." Kid's presence warms his partner even more than the warm coffee he brings with him. Beautifully written. Thanks, Riders!

_________________
"If I asked for a cup of coffee, someone would search for the double meaning." Mae West
coffee 


Last edited by Javabee on Thu Nov 05, 2015 1:09 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top Go down
skykomish

avatar

Posts : 181
Join date : 2013-08-25
Age : 60

PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Wed Nov 04, 2015 11:49 pm

Helen West - I enjoyed this tale.  Mark Twain and Heyes together are a special treat.  I like the moon quote you used.  I particularly liked the part of the conversation where Clemens tries to talk Heyes into allowing him to write Heyes' biography.  Fun story.

Riders - Love the woman's name.  Great creativity.  The interchange between Miz B and the bank manager, Jamison, is well written and enjoyable to read.  He really is a very unpleasant fellow.  My favorite exchange of the entire story is between these two:

 “Are you calling me a thief?”
“Not yet.  At the moment I am calling you a fool."
 

All of the characters at the ranch are well drawn and interesting.  And then you even bring in Curry and Heyes.  I hope you finish this story.  It is very good and I am eager for more.

_________________
When you put your hand in a flowing stream, you touch the last that has gone before and the first of what is still to come.
- Leonardo DaVinci
Back to top Go down
skykomish

avatar

Posts : 181
Join date : 2013-08-25
Age : 60

PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Thu Nov 05, 2015 11:39 am

Javabee - What a fun story!  Li Ming and Hodges are both wonderful characters.  You have Briscoe captured perfectly.  Your writing is visual and concise. Loved the following descriptions:

The large man’s jowls undulated like receding waters,


The light glimmered through the prisms of the opulent chandeliers, creating flickers of gold that danced fluidly across the surface of the richly papered walls.


I thoroughly enjoyed this one.  Clapping hard.



Remuda -  I have been longing to get out into the wilderness.  Your descriptions in this story have just made my cravings worse.  You beautifully captured the sounds and textures of being out in the wilderness in the crisp autumn.  Loved "Trying to be heard above a stiff wind whistling through the canyon "  and "the rushes of crisp leaves crescendoing overhead and crackling underfoot."

I want to go camping in the "clearing in a large wood sheltered on three sides by boulders,"  and the "spring fed by underground aquifers."  I was vicariously enjoying autumn in the woods when you started ratcheting up the tension with voices and a gunshot.  Great descriptions of the moonlit night and the widening stream.  Then things get better as Heyes cares for Kid and they start to get away.  And what do you do.  You up the tension again.  Well done!  I sure hope you continue this.





Now I am all caught up for October.

_________________
When you put your hand in a flowing stream, you touch the last that has gone before and the first of what is still to come.
- Leonardo DaVinci
Back to top Go down
HannaHeyes

avatar

Posts : 1228
Join date : 2013-08-27
Age : 42
Location : The Hideout

PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Fri Nov 06, 2015 3:44 pm

Finishing up October...

HunkeyDorey - I guess the sheriff needs to learn not to judge a book by its cover. The 'upstanding citizen' spending time in the library was planning on robbing the same bank. Loved it!

Silverkelpie - What a perfect story for Halloween. Charlie was mysterious and strange. As always, this was written beautifully. And the last line was a perfect ending.

HunkeyDorey #2 - Mrs. Moon was surely a despicable woman. I loved Mrs. Curry's way of getting back at her. What a perfectly delightful revenge! Ingenuity obviously runs in the family.

Keays - A very calming and pleasant honeymoon scene. Glad Heyes has finally found happiness. Lovely.

HelenWest - Loved the meeting between Heyes and Twain. What a combination that would be to write a book. You had the conversation down pat. Each one was a fan of the other. Well done.

Skykomish - I'm really enjoying this story of yours. Sarah was written very believably. Loved the conversation on the porch between Heyes and his nephew. Looking forward to reading more of this.

Riders - That name is a mouthful. Elspeth is certainly a force to be reckoned with. And now Heyes and Curry are blamed for another robbery they didn't commit. I have my suspicions on who might be involved. I hope you're going to continue this. I definitely want more.

Javabee - You show how women and Chinese were treated by alot of men in the era wonderfully. And Harry Briscoe was written to perfection. He never realized just how close he came to actually figuring out something concerning the mooncakes.

Remuda - I could just feel the autumn air as you described where Heyes and Curry were. I liked the line Heyes says about Kid being greedy as he heard a second shot. Shows his confidence in him. And then, you twist it into suspense. Are the men hunting them or not? Please tell me you're going to continue this!

_________________
Come to the dark side...we have cookies Very Happy  safe
Back to top Go down
HannaHeyes

avatar

Posts : 1228
Join date : 2013-08-27
Age : 42
Location : The Hideout

PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Tue Nov 10, 2015 1:34 pm

Remuda - So Kid meets up with someone from his past. I was as antsy as Heyes waiting to find out how he knew him. I don't want to say too much and ruin it for others. Very well written. The emotions came through beautifully.

Silverkelpie - I love Mrs. Clutterbuck's trouble with words. The commode comment was the best LOL! Honest citizens huh...if the sheriff only knew.  Loved the last paragraph. I really enjoyed this!

_________________
Come to the dark side...we have cookies Very Happy  safe
Back to top Go down
riders57

avatar

Posts : 536
Join date : 2013-08-24
Age : 60

PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Thu Nov 12, 2015 4:27 pm

Remuda -- I remember this.  An excellent choice for the prompt.  You do an excellent job of maintaining the tension here and conveying the strong emotions of all the parties in this little drama.  Really enjoyed this.

Silverkelpie -- another oldie, but definitely a goodie.  Love the name Clutterbuck and all the wife's malaprops.  A very sneaky old gent that Mr. Clutterbuck, and you even gave us a kangaroo.  Not sure the boys need to go work for the circus -- I imagine being around the Clutterbucks is circus-like enough.  LOL.

RosieAnnie -- glad to see you posting.  This is a lovely story and you headed off in a different direction than I was anticipating after the Kid's comment about wanting more folks around for thanksgiving.  A very seasonal and well-written piece.
Back to top Go down
skykomish

avatar

Posts : 181
Join date : 2013-08-25
Age : 60

PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Tue Nov 17, 2015 11:51 pm

Remuda - I remember this piece.  I think that I like it even better than its companion story written about Heyes.  I love the exchange at the beginning between Kid and the livery attendant.  It is a fun and light dialogue, spiced with a solid dose of cynical humor.  It sets a tone that is very different from the rest of the story.  The shift from this first scene into what comes later is unsettling and unexpected, as is appropriate for the story.  I like the way Curry leaves the situation.  He won't pursue revenge, but he isn't going to extend a hand in friendship.  Well done. 

Silverkelpie - I think that Old Age and Treachery and The Hole in the Ground Gang are my favorite of your challenge stories.  I really enjoyed the way Mr. Clutterbuck used his own weaknesses to bambozzle others.  (The name itself, Clutterbuck, is inspired.)  Mrs. Clutterbuck and her various mis-speaks is delightful and funny.   And then you added the kangaroo.  Great fun and loads of laughs.  GLad you re-posted this one. 

_________________
When you put your hand in a flowing stream, you touch the last that has gone before and the first of what is still to come.
- Leonardo DaVinci
Back to top Go down
Sponsored content




PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   

Back to top Go down
 
Applause and Feedback
View previous topic View next topic Back to top 
Page 1 of 26Go to page : 1, 2, 3 ... 13 ... 26  Next
 Similar topics
-
» Negative feedback
» MKIII VTA help with negative feedback.
» Altering the feedback line on a VTA boarded ST-70/ST-120 amp
» Query Letter Feedback
» Steam Traction World Updates

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
Alias Smith and Jones Fun and Fanfiction  :: Writer's Area - Please email Admin to get your own thread for your stories. Use a new thread for each story. Please comment after the story. :: Challenge Stories :: Applause and Feedback-
Jump to: