Applause and Feedback

Hi Steph3nie; No I intentionally wrote it so Charlie's true identity would not be apparent until the end. Glad you enjoyed it. Did Briscoe say that about Charlie? I don't recall it so I guess I'm just going to have force myself to watch that episode again!

HannahHeyes: Yet another unique take, having a first person narrator and the boys appear only at the margins of the story. Jenny's internal monologue works really well, not only to let the reader know what happened, but also showing what the actions did to her. Love your writing.
We can see her go through many emotions, worry, anger, sorrow,... No wonder she finally feels empty. It is easy to understand why she turned to murder herself and why she does not care about the consequences. The last sentence is very true. (I have to admit I was tempted once, after my dog was attacked by a jogger without any provocation. She could easily have died as a result of the attack and the man not only did not show any remorse but was proud of his deed. If I had had a derringer on me,...)

InsideOutlaw: Love it. Your dialogue keeps it lively flowing along after the initial stage is set.
Even though I cannot imagine this ever happening in the series, it is all true to character. A devious Heyes plan at work, only this time turned on the gang. Do I notice a subtle echo to the prompt "Outlaw Olympics" here? Heyes achieves several goals in one and also has an escape all planned out. And to top it off, he and Kid don't have to do anything but watch and enjoy. If Heyes is a genius, so are you in writing this story.
Once again I am in awe: how do you guys manage to come up with stories like this?

Hi Keays, I would not worry about things that Briscoe says. Honestly. I hope I do not force too much hardship on you if you feel you have to watch the episode again. ;-) At the moment it is among my favourites.
In case you don't want to go through the whole ordeal, I think Briscoe says it in the saloon scene when he wonders why the boys know Charlie when they are such law-abiding citizens.

And I maintain that you did a fantastic job not making Charlie's identity obvious from the beginning, but still managed to put enough in the story that you can easily recognise him when you read it for the second time.

HannaHeyes:

Your story is a window into the turmoil and pain of a mother's worst nightmare. Jenny was a strong woman who was not about to let the murder of her son go unpunished. The entire tone sounded to me just like her "voice" as presented in the episode. Blake wasn't the only one who crossed the line, but when Jenny crossed it, I think we could all empathize. I liked this line: "I guess at that point you could say I crossed a line too." And this one: "But I ask you, if it had been your child, wouldn't you have done or at least wanted to do the same?" Heart wrenching. Thanks for posting this, HH. :study: 

Hannaheyes - I was so pleased to see a story from you! It's been far to long and this certainly didn't disappoint. Using this device of the internal thoughts of a mother in turmoil was a wonderful way to reveal this missing scene. You can really relate to Jenny's pain and anguish at the thought that her son's killer was going to walk free. Great story and I hope this means we'll be getting more from you.

Insideoutlaw - Beautifully written as always. I loved the first sentence, "Smoke from the abandoned cigar tipped into a tin mug atop the cane table wafted to the porch ceiling and hung there like a malevolent spirit hovering above the heads of the two outlaws seated below." Yes, Heyes may have crossed the line in making them search for things that aren't there, but as always he has a plan.

Hannaheyes - I haven't read a story of yours for so long and this really shows what we have been missing. You write this missing scene so well. I could really start to feel her torment. Yes, Jenny was so right. Almost any mother would have done exactly the same. Poor lady. I like to think that the court understood, but prison would have been no fun for a lady of that age either.


Insideoutlaw - Naughty Heyes, making the boys jump through hoops to make sure that he gets everything done! Short but very sweet. I like the idea of a treasure hunt to get things done. I wonder of my children will fall for that?

Hannaheyes - Poor, Poor Jenny. It is truly the worst thing in the world to lose a child and in cicumstances like these it has to be even worse. No wonder she was driven to act against the killer of her beloved son. Great missing scene and kusod for reminding us on one of the great supporting characters from the series. Great story and glad you came out to play again.


Insideoutlaw - I never thought of the Devil's Hole being cleaned but I suppose somebody had to do it and this is a very ingenious Hannibal Heyes plan, just as all the ones you think up for him are. Loved the last line, “You know, sometimes you really are a genius.” Heyes smiled smugly, “I'd like to think so.”

Nancy Whiskey - The very philosophical way the death is accepted must have been realistic at a time when sudden or unexplained was a whole lot more common than it is now.  Very well done, but very sad  
 
 
Hannaheyes - Another sad take on the prompt, but this missing scene fits so well and Jenny's actions are so understandable.  The way you have her emotions ebbing and flowing is so very realistic and anyone who has suffered a loss can recognise them perfectly.  Very well-written and a great take on the prompt.
 
 
Insideoutlaw - Your Hannibal Heyes plots are always great and this shows that even to get the chores done he is reduced to plotting.  I do wish that I could have been sitting on that porch watching the gang run about, falling for his plot (for more reasons than one.)  Yes, he is a genius, especially when you write him

Nancy Whiskey - I had to read this one a couple of times to really get it because the sudden death shocked me. You did get that shock of it so well because it certainly crept up on me too. I did love the last line. I'd never heard it before but it is a lovely way to think of loved ones just crossing to another part of the same thread.


Hannaheyes - This is a great missing scene and thanks for reminding us about another great female character. The boys seemed to be so fond of her and that helped to cement her as an earth mother in our minds. You wrote the complex whirlpool of emotion the relatives of murder victims must experience. You gave me a plot bunny too from this story, so
thank you for both the story and for being my muse.


Insideoutlaw - What a devil Heyes can be, sitting there and enjoying watching the boys run around to do things that are just a way to trick the gang into doing work. I hope you write a bit about their reaction when he tells them what he has done. I'd love to see their reaction and I can imagine the lines you would have the gang saying.

OK, I have finally got round to reading, but it is late, so I will do the feedback in instalments.

Silverkelpie 1 ~ I loved the line "Just because my way is better doesn't make me stubborn."  I know someone just like that. 

It's a great read and I don't trust Mrs Fox any more than I do Tibby.  I can't wait for the next chapter.  You definitely have me hooked.

Riders57 ~ With a name like that I would call him Hoke too!  He was wonderfully written, and came across as a nice guy, but one that you really don't want to be around (especially when axes are involved).  A lovely character and a lovely read.

Javabee 1 ~ Great prequel, with some really well written action.  I must read more.  Mrs Parkeris really formidable.  I wouldn't want to be on the wrong side of her.  Keep them coming Javabee!


Well, I am hitting the sack now, and will post some more feedback tomorrow.  Night Night.

Javabee (1)
Thanks for filling in the beginning of the story; it's an exciting start.  We already knew Mrs. Parker was shrewd, but this nicely fills in a missing piece, that of just how far she will go to secure her fortunes, with a ballsy attitude to boot.  If it was mentioned in the story that it was she who shot Kid, I missed it, so it was a surprise.  She is quite the foil for the boys, and I look forward to the next part.

Silverkelpie / Inside Outlaw
This is very true to how I would picture the boys' coming together after five years apart:  feeling each other out, knowing but not knowing how the other might have changed; the dance hopeful but ever so cautious, kept at arm's length for safety and security, even with one's relative and past partner.  Nice that it's not a slam dunk at the get-go, instead a slow thaw of strong wills.  Looking forward to seeing where this leads.

Ok - next instalment of feedback (heavens there are a lot of stories this month!)

Silverkelpie 2 ~ Very evocative visuals from the outset and lots of tension.  My favourite line had to be "A stiletto of blue ice" - what a fabulous line to describe an unspoken answer.  I am looking forward to the next instalment.

Javabee 2 ~You summed up the boys perfectly, their strengths, weaknesses and peccadillos.  A really enjoyable read.  Thank you.

Riders57 2 ~ A good yarn, and Kid with his steely, toughness is well pictured.  Mel is really well written, I do like w women with a backbone.  I am looking forward to more.

HunkeyDorey ~ You had me hooked from the beginning, and wondering about the true backstory.  You wrote the abusive part of the story sensitively, but really painted the horror of that poor Mary had sadly gone through.  I have to say though my favourite line had to be "I had a tapeworm once."  Perfect line for Kyle.  Loved it!!



I will do some more later....

Distant Drums:  Yikes, that's gonna make the Kid think twice about helping the needy next time.  Too funny. 

Distant Drums - I'm glad we've tempted you into writing. I don't know whether to feel sorry for the Kid or admire the old lady for seeing her chance and going for it!   

Thanks InsideOutlaw and Silver kelpie.  It is only my 2nd attempt at a submission so it is great to get the encouragement and to hear back that you like my sense of humour. 

I just want to say that when I grow up I want to be just like her.   

Distant Drums:

Yes, I like your sense of humor. You gave me a nice chuckle and I only have admiration for the old lady. I think the Kid can handle any unpleasantness it may have caused him, it's Heyes I'm worried about. I think he's gonna laugh so hard he might injure himself! Thanks, DD.
 

LOL, Distant Drums.  Poor Kid, but Heyes has no right to laugh.  He could very well be next!  Thank you for giving us this thoughtful piece on sexual harassment.  You have given us all something to think about.  Especially me!    You have just shown me that you're never too old.

Distant Drums - Very short but very funny.  I was not expecting that last line.  Poor Kid.

This is certainly turning out to be a varied month!  Death, doom, amnesty, spring cleaning, rape and lust.  Just another day in ASJ fandom.  

Distant Drums -  How on earth did you come up with this one?  Very funny.  I bet he was too shocked to act!   

 Distant Drums - I am so glad that you have decided to take another turn at writing, or we would have missed out on this gem. Short but hilarious.   

DistantDrums: Your last line had me screaming out loud. Your story might be short, but it's masterfully written and sure packed an ooomph.
Poor Kid, go for it lady, Heyes - I am with you!

Remuda - Firstly, I have to say that this was so beautifully written.  I could feel the heat and see the shimmer on the horizon and feel the sun beating down on me.  I started to feel a bit anxious that something sinister was going on and you built the tension masterfully (or should that be mistressfully), but oh, when I got to the end!  I won't ruin it for anyone else but this is an absolute classic!  Laughed out loud.  Loved it!

  Oh, Remuda- you give us a master class in scene-setting and in writing a story in a way that it is making us see the whole thing set out before us. I'm not sure of you made me feel physically hot or if I had a hot flush   I started to worry about who it was the Kid kept seeing until I reached the end! ¡Naughty Remuda! You toy with us, but you can toy with me with a story of this quality any day of the week.

Still reading my way through, so have a couple more bits of feedback, with more to follow later today.

EveHanley ~ What a great missing scene, it fitted right in to the episode in my mind.  You are totally right to put those boys in that quandary as they had only recently started going straight, and how true that even any ordinary 'law abiding citizen' would also have been tempted.  We are all human.

Gringa ~ I drew a lovely picture of Kid 'all grown up' with his wife and new life.  And I got the impression that although he liked the stability he still hankered a bit for the old days.

The flashback scene was great, and pushing for their amnesty to finally be granted in a way that only the boys could was inspired.  Clever writing and a great way of stating their points.  You truly brought it to life for me.  Thanks

More later, when I have a tad more time.