Dear Mr. Claus,
Howdy. How're you doing? I'm fine. I'm just writing to remind you that I've been extremely...very...well,...pretty good this year. I've gotten good grades in school and done my chores at home like Ma and Pa tell me to.
Now, you may have heard of some rumors flying around about me and I wanted to set the record straight. Firstly, about those fish in the horse trough. I caught them early that morning and I wanted them to stay fresh 'til suppertime. If you've ever ate fresh fish, you should understand. I don't know why Pa got so mad. I was just helping to provide food for the family.
Now about the flag pole incident at school. Yes, I tied George to the flag pole, BUT, he had it coming. He had been picking on my cousin Jed and family's got to watch out for family. Jed's just a little fellow and I got to take up for him. Surely you can't hold that against me. I got to watch Jed's back 'cause he's always getting in trouble. But not bad trouble, so be sure and leave him some presents too.
Okay, about that snake in the teacher's desk drawer. It was just a harmless little garter snake. I didn't know she was THAT scared of them. And I know I convinced her it somehow crawled in there overnight when she came to. I apologize for that but I couldn't tell the truth because Pa would've whooped my hindend and then it would get sore. And if it was sore, I wouldn't be able to sit comfortably in school and wouldn't be able to pay attention, therefore messing up my learning. So you see, I had to keep it a secret for my own good.
As for the disappearing cookies out of Ma's cookie jar, the teacher said in school that because of the fifth amandment, you didn't have to tell on yourself, so I ain't. I plead innocent on all counts.
Now with that out of the way, I have an idea for you. Instead of bringing me a couple of toys and clothes, (by the way, do you realize you give more clothes to kids than toys. Might want to check into that), why don't you just leave me a bunch of money in my stocking. That way, I could get Ma to take into town and I could get what I want and you would have more room in your sleigh for other stuff. To seal the deal, I promise to leave you a cookie and a glass of Pa's whiskey under the tree. I know you probably get hungry flying all over the world. Just don't tell Pa I'm going to borrow some of his whiskey. I don't think he likes to share it 'cause he tells me to stay away from it.
Speaking of Pa and Ma, please leave them something nice too, just make sure I get mine first.
Well, my candle is about to burn out so I better stop writing. I hope you have a nice trip around the world and don't get lost. I suggest you take a map with you just in case.
Oh, and by the way, better just use the door instead of coming down the chimney. Pa will probably have a fire built and you would burn your rear.
Your extremely well-behaved friend,
Dear Mister Santa Claws,
Howdy. How are you? I am fine. My name is Jed and I am 6. I live in Kansas. I have been real good this year. I gots a cuple of kwestions for you.
1. Why do you use raindeers instead of horses? Horses would be better. And faster too. I ain't never saw no raindeers befor.
2. There's this rumor that you got a bunch of elfs or somethin' up there runnin' around doin' all your work. Insted of presents, could you just bring me one of them fellers? I need somebody to do my chores around the house so's I can have mor time to play with Han. Han's my cusin. He helpt me lern to write so's I could send you a letter this year. Pleese bring him one of them elfs too.
Oh, and can I pleese have a slingshot? There's some crows gets in the cornfild each year just askin' to be shot.
Pleese leave Ma and Pa somethin' nice under the tree. And my sister too I gess. She piks on me but she ain't all that bad. How about givin' her one present and a bag of roks. I think that's fair for her.
I ain't much for words so's I'm pretty much done. Like I said, I been real good this year.
Come to the dark side...we have cookies