Applause and Feedback

RosieAnnie ~ great story, and I am looking forward to more.  I thought the line "I’ve been their best friend, and I could be their worst enemy." gave a real air of determination and menace.

Javabee ~ Never apologise for a good cliff-hanger.  I am looking forward to reading the conclusion.  You are giving us a really good read.

Hunkydorey ~ Yeah, a HunkyDorey-Chicken story!!  I loved the line "At least the chicken left you a deposit."  A nice twist on the prompt.  Thanks

Insideoutlaw - I too thought that this was going to end with Heyes triumphing because spotting this type of con would have been right up his street, but I love it when a story goes in an unexpected direction.  You really caught the youngster showing all the traits that would make him the feared gunman in this story.  That man found the wrong boy to play the cup game with didn't he?  Original take to make the conman lose and I loved every minute of it.

RosieAnnie - I am so glad you posted this.  You write a great Soapy and help us to understand the boys' relationship with the various people they met in a life of crime.  To make him butt heads with Lom is positively inspired. I loved the line, "I’ve been their best friend, and I could be their worst enemy."  I really hope that this story continues.  You have a real talent for capturing mood and helping us to see the whole story unfold before our very eyes.

Keays - I think this is the cleverest plot I've seen from you and you give us a cunning Heyes at his best here, but not quite clever enough to get paid at the end of the whole thing.  I could almost smell the cigar smoke in the room and see the glint in Big Mac's eyes as he analysed every move Heyes made.  Loved it!

Javabee - So glad we got to see the next chapter of this and Mrs. Parker is rounding out as a formidible, but very human, opponent.  She would have had to have a will of iron to run the town in those days and you also show the frustrations of a capable women being underestimated by the men around her.  She handled the Kid perfectly, but I get the feeling he'll enjoy some revenge if he gets the chance.  I love the secret of her husband simmering in the background and the way Heyes walked in to find the Kid.  I can't wait for more.


Hunkeydorey - Thanks for the shout out, but you are the one who came up with the notion of the legal distinction between taking a chicken and borrowing a chicken.  Heyes would adore playing with legal distinctions like those.  I loved this whole exchange.

“Do you ever get to the point, Smith?  You make me feel like I’m on the wrong side of the latrine door.”
and

The sheriff rattled the handcuffs.  “The point, Smith.”

“I’m getting there.  Well, she was real upset when met her and you know what it’s like to deal with a woman in tears, don’t you, sheriff?”

Weary grey eyes stared at the ex-outlaw leader.  “Is it worse than dealing with you?”

Heyes ignored the jibe and continued.  “Well, anyway.  She’d lost it.”

“I know the feeling.”

Loved it!

Distant Drums - I just thought that I'd caught up on commenting and another gem lands. Short but extremely sweet.  I loved the last line.  If this is an example of you humour I hope you take a plunge into the world of writing, now that you've dipped a talented toe in the water

HunkeyDorey -- another punny one!  How far they've fallen, from the most notorious outlaws in the west to uncommon "Chicken Thief" -- or not.  Great example of Heyes' silver tongue being put to good use and a very funny situation.

Distant Drums -- so glad you decided to make the jump and submit a story.  Though short it was fun.  Love your humor.  Hope you submit many more now that you've taken the plunge -- (the first time is the hardest).

Silverkelpie 1 - Yay, you brought back Tibby!  I can't wait to see how much trouble you get the boys into through this impish little tramp.  Looking forward to the next one of these and thanks for the start of another exciting new mystery.


Nancy Whiskey - Groan!  What a last line, but it was so good I had to adapt it to fit the title of my story, but they say that plagiarism is a high compliment, don't they?  Great characterisations and the description of the painting was wonderful.     


Riders57 - So now we know how Soapy got his name, and we see that he was an established con man.  Did he see potential in the boys so he judged that he could get more out of them by putting them to work than he could con them out of. or was it goodness in his heart?  Probably a little of both, but you got me with the last line, "Just remember for yourselves, if a deal seems too good to be true, it usually is."  It seemed a good deal to the boys at the time, but it mortgaged their whole lives 


Silverkelpie 2 - Oh, you busy bee.  Two stories?  Not one to read while you're hungry with the Bacons, Butters and Beans.  Poor Cecil Bean was so put upon, wasn't he?  I think his sister's life was worse than his and I'm glad that she found a way out.  I got the feeling the controlling mother could afford to cover the payroll to give Harriet a fresh start (great name by the way - Harriet Bean).  

I loved this line, " “Acting stupid is drinking downstream from the herd.  Being stupid is pulling a gun on a man without making sure you know where his partner is.” A gloved hand stretched over and took the colt from the man’s hand.  “One is temporary; the other could be real permanent.”  

But I have to say that I think the 'Prairie Sandwiches' will be remembered as a real classic.              


Insideoutlaw - The Kid's keen eyes were no match for this huckster's fast switch, but he bit off more than he could chew when he tried to bully this youngster, didn't he?  Like everyone else I thought this was going to tell us how they got in with a group of confidence tricksters or showed off the young Heyes' skills, but you turned it on it's head. 


RosieAnnie - Lom versus Soapy?  Oh, what a great idea and who has their best interests at heart?  Both probably, but you aptly show us how these two old acquaintances take two very different roads in their support.  You catch the intensity of the stand-off perfectly.  I can't wait to read more.

 
Keays - Big Mac is up to his old tricks again and he is still slippery enough to get one over on the boys.  You pitch this as perfectly as an actual episode, with the boys being conned into giving up their skills in order to protect the already rich and powerful, with very little reward at the end.  The description of the game started to worry me as I don't play poker, but you managed to show the skill in card counting without losing a rube like me in the technicalities.  A great story. 


Javabee - I just adore this story and I'm liking Mrs. Parker better and better in every chapter you give us.  I like the way you write the Kid; he likes the ladies but he's no fool and can play games too, but Mr. Parker is up for the challenge and meets him like a game of chess.  I did chuckle at the way the Kid was found in a bubble bath surrounded with fawning women by Heyes.  I can't wait for the next part of this one.        


Distant Drums - Short but very sweet.  The young Heyes is every inch the man he is to become.  I loved this line, "The loser turned and walk away, kicking at stones, every one the face of Hannibal Heyes."  Yes, very portentous.

Silverkelpie: I like Tibby, and I want to know more about him. That's the secret of his appeal, isn't it? And it works on Heyes and Curry, too. He's definitely not your average saddle tramp, even if he had a saddle. Had he been such, Heyes and Curry probably would have given him some cash and walked away. Instead, Tibby aroused their curiosity. I think they feel a little empathy for him, too, because they know what it's like to be down and out. Anyway, I look forward to seeing where you go with Tibby and his adventures.

Nancy Whiskey:  What a path to that final line! I enjoyed this character, and I especially loved the pun.

Riders 57: You show Soapy as a crook with a heart of gold. He could easily have cheated our boys, who really are still boys at this point. I can see how this relationship would evolve into almost a father-son relationship, based on this initial meeting.

Silverkelpie: I was going to compliment you by saying that you are the mistress of mysteries, but, eh. . . maybe not. How about, you are the master of mysteries? Heyes and Curry were a little more involved than I realized at first, by helping that couple elope. Good definitions of acting stupid and being stupid. The theme of women's place in the 19th century, and how it shapes their lives, is what I get from this story. Mother has carved out a place for herself, but maintaining it means her daughter is shoehorned into a frustrating, unfulfilling role. The only way she can escape is through marriage. I hope it works out for her.

Inside Outlaw: Heyes may be the self-proclaimed genius, but it's Jed who has the serious survival skills.  This is also a nice illustration that the partnership between Heyes and Curry is a partnership; Heyes defers to Curry's personality, strength, and determination. Jed Curry is already a force to be reckoned with.

Keays: I reviewed this on the other site, so I'll just mention here that there's a lot happening between the poker players, but also between Heyes, Curry and Big Mac. Bluffing, bargaining, and keeping your cards close to your chest, at all times.

Javabee: Oh, word count, shmurd count. Keep writing, girl!  Anyway, what I took away from this story is the sexism of the day. Curry would not be so condescending to a male opponent, would he? Mrs. Parker is as tough as any male opponent the boys have faced. Curry finally starts treating her as an equal opponent. Heyes, on the other hand, has seen her only as a dangerous adversary since the beginning. I don't think he's underestimating her because she's a women, as Curry did, a bit. I agree with the others, the scene where Heyes and Curry see each other the first time is hilarious. I wish we could see it filmed!

HunkeyDorey: This is the month for puns, and I love it. I love the humor of this story, down to the names. and the whole Hannibal connection. So glad to hear that Silverkelpie is using her powers for good!

Distant Drums: So glad you jumped in and played! Short, but a telling illustration of Heyes' character.


And now I'm all caught up, at least until the under-the-wire folks get their stories in!

Distant Drums ~ As Silverkelpie said, a little gem.  You packed a lot into a little.  I liked your visuals and I loved the last line.  I hope you keep writing.  Well done.

HunkeyDorey: 
In the words of the beloved comedian Jackie Gleason, "How sweet it is..." to read another clever, clever tale. So enjoyed the insertion of the repetitively entertaining names of the family. Even the name of the chicken became a creative and entertaining part of the story. Never thought of our boys as chicken thieves, but leave it to Heyes to have a good and lawful excuse to become one. Great job!

Distant Drums:
Wow, in just this short scene you managed to illustrate the boys beautifully. Kid, even though he doesn't have a gun yet, is already watching over his best friend, as Heyes does his best to perfect his winning skills. It took me a few secs to figure out that this was a childhood scene. Glad you decided to post this and I look forward to reading more from you!

Eva Hanley - I am amazed at your grasp not only of dialect, but of the way you show us so deftly that you can make us laugh in it too.  Yes, they are as bad, and as good, as one another.  Short and very sweet.  You aced your own personal challenge, Eva.  Really well done and very enjoyable!

Eva Hanley ~ if you had not told me English was not your first language, I would never had guessed.  Great dialogue from start to finish, and I like the 'gold pan' image.  I loved the fact you paint both the boys as two big sofites, outlaws with hearts of gold.

Eva Hanley -- I agree with the others that you have passed your dialogue challenge with flying colors.  You got the tone right -- not too formal -- and were able to tell a story through their conversation.  And it's a great take on the prompt -- noting the many reasons why these two very successful outlaws never have money -- the good and the bad reasons.  I really enjoyed it.  You also kept the boys in character.

That said, because I, too, prefer to hear what didn't work as well as what did (and from our conversations I know you really mean it when you say you want both what did and didn't work) -- a couple of minor wording suggestions:

"No need to get proddy", tried again Heyes would be better as"  "No need to get proddy," Heyes tried again.

"Well, let's talk about it", the Kid countered stubbornly.  "Have to earn it first. ..."  I think this has some extra words and would be more consistent with the point being made if written along the following lines to be less formal and more conversational.  "Yeah, about that," the Kid countered stubbornly.  "Have to get paid first. ..."

But again, these are very minor suggestions -- I think the story was great as you wrote it.   

Eva Hanley:
The congenial bickering and bantering you have going on between the boys rings true and manages to fit the prompt perfectly. I am so impressed with you ladies who are writing in a second language. It is beyond me how you do it, and so well too! Thanks, Eva.

Keays:  I read the longer version and loved it.  The poker game and the subsequent unveiling of the cheat was great, but my favorite part was the boys getting the upper hand with Mac.  Excellent!

Javabee:  The Kid certainly has met his match in Mrs. Parker and I can't help wondering if Heyes will too.  Curry shows his natural intelligence as he jousts with Sophie and he soon realizes that his partner had a hand in keeping him alive.  But how could you leave us with such a cliffhanger?!!  It's a good thing July is nearly here.

Hunkeydorey:  This is a very entertaining tale with lots of clever twists.  I loved all the Billy Jo Bob Bobby Bills.  Good thing HH has a quick mind and a knowledge of legalese.  The Kid's snide comments about Hannibal were very funny, too.

Distant Drums:  Excellent toe-dipping!  I think you're ready for fanny-dipping or even wholesale dunking.    

EvaHanley:  Your dialogue was wonderful and the last line was a hoot!  If this is your first foray into a story told through dialogue you are off to a great start.

 Insideoutlaw - 'fanny-dipping' just doesn't mean the same over here.  I'll just keep repeating, "She means it the American way."  Yeah, that helps...

LOL!  Now I need to know what it means over your way.  If it's too risque, email me.  Here, it means exactly what it sounds like:  getting into the water up to your butt (or bum, as you might say).  LOL!

Ladies, I appreciate very much your comments and the suggestions I received both here and via pm. Do the forum rules allow to edit the entry to incorporate those ? Please ?

Hi, just to spare Distant Drums' blushes, a 'fanny' in English is slang for the female genitalia

Still, I am sure she took the comment in the friendly and funny way it was meant.

InsideOutwaw -

Excellent toe-dipping!  I think you're ready for fanny-dipping or even wholesale dunking.

you made me choke on my cup of tea laughing hysterically.  Don't worry Nancy, I don't blush easily and thanks everyone for your kind comments.

Hi Eva, Yes, an edited story is certainly not excluded from entry for the challenge.

Remuda - I'm guessing that your local weather had a lot to do with this one, I could almost feel the suffocating heat radiating off the page.  I have never really thought about it, but I suppose it could have been too hot to pull a job at times and you've gotten me wondering what employers did in those days when it got too hot.  I must do some research.  A very original take on the prompt - that they were separated from their money by the sweltering heat.  Very original and a very vivid read.