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 Applause and Feedback

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chelseagirl



Posts : 26
Join date : 2018-03-02
Age : 56
Location : New York, NY

PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Sat Jul 21, 2018 11:43 pm

Remuda:  What lovely wordplay!  And Heyes:  reading while riding?  Is that the Old West equivalent of texting while driving?  Sometimes he really does need the Kid’s common sense to keep him out of trouble.

Cal:  An interesting take on a familiar scene.  I especially liked the description of them riding rapidly downhill – very vivid!

Elleree:   What a day for the guys -- it’s kind of like getting action-adventure and hurt-comfort all in one!  I think I agree with you about the hat – probably not as lucky as Heyes imagines it.  And what has Heyes done to that horse, that it has it in for them like that? 


Riders57:  Wow.  What a great look into their future – I’m sad they didn’t get amnesty but also glad they were able to settle back into a place like that.  And the twist is delicious; some of the details you used, like the emphasis on those Murphy/Newman blue eyes, were particularly well thought through.

Nebraska Wildfire:  There’s something so tragic about this situation, Heyes back doing what he used to love, but now just to get through it and to hopefully move on.  I really liked the ending, where it’s the Kid who points out that drinking and whoring away their money is nowhere to be now that they’re not young and stupid.  I hope you’ll continue with this storyline.
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riders57

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Age : 61

PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Sun Jul 22, 2018 10:26 pm

Nebraska Wildfire -- as others have said, a tragic story.  I like that you wrote in first person -- that is difficult to do and still convey the information/you want.  Interesting that it is the Kid who points out that if they keep doing what they've been doing with their money they'll have to keep stealing to survive.  Well written.
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HannaHeyes

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Mon Jul 23, 2018 1:14 am

Remuda - I really enjoy your 'Saddle Talk' series. Liked they were stuck riding double in this one. Poor horse. Loved Heyes' line, "I'm still here." At least it seemed they got to enjoy an uneventful holiday for once.

Chelseagirl - Loved the Devil's Hole fireworks! Sounds like some stuff I've seen done around my house... What I really loved about this story is that Heyes seems so sure they'll never get to celebrate the 4th of July with families of their own, but then years later, we find out it did indeed happen. Always nice to think the boys finally get amnesty and have families. And I loved that Heyes said he'd admit, just that once, he was wrong!


Cal - Really liked this version of events that might've happened in the pilot. The line, "not off the edge...not like us... they're not stupid", made me laugh! Lots of good lines in this one. Love that they doubled back to Columbine. Sounds just like something they'd do!


Elleree - Happy to see you posting here! Enjoyed this one too! Just enough tension to make it a little nerve-wracking. Love the Fort Worth floorplan being seen again! And LOVED this line,
“I thought you didn’t like hangin' around on the side of the cliff?” Heyes asked as he gave him the last tug onto solid ground.
Kid had a LOT of great lines, too many to put down here. Great story!


Riders - Good to see a story from you! I'm glad the bunny hopped. So Blinker has the story of the century, does he? Too bad he didn't catch on to who he was REALLY talking to. Loved this part:

'...they exuded a sense of power.  It would take a brave or very foolish man to challenge either of them – challenging the two of them together would require insanity.'
But it's good to think that even though the boys didn't get amnesty, they got to kind of settle down somewhere and are still together.


Nebraska Wildfire - Sad to think the boys had to turn back to stealing after all those years of trying to get amnesty. Surprised me that they would go back to Kansas, but believable that they only stayed in the western part of the state. I hope the town of Liberal can give them a chance at a quiet life. Nicely done.


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elleree

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Fri Jul 27, 2018 4:26 pm

Chelseagirl,
Thank you for the comment. I admit to enjoying both adventure and hurt/comfort so it’s fun to write them! And I love both the boys so they both had to get in trouble. Hah. As far as the horse…

 I have toyed around with writing a sequel of them arriving in Rockville where the horse somehow gets them in trouble again. I’d then have Kid explain his theory that he was a lawman’s horse in the past. ;) It’s what you get when you have to change horses so often.


Hanna,
I figured I might as well try and post on both places since I had some bunnies hop. I’m glad it was a bit nerve wracking but hopefully not too much. Glad you liked that line—I could see Heyes’ face as he delivered it all too well.  Thanks for the feedback!
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riders57

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Mon Jul 30, 2018 11:22 am

HannaHeyes -- what a fun concept -- the boys playing Monopoly.  There would be fighting among that four wouldn't there.  You did a good job of finding contemporary substitutes for the utilities and Free Parking spaces and love that Heyes felt the need to handicap the Kid when the two played Tiddlywinks together.
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elleree

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Wed Aug 01, 2018 12:49 am

Hanna Heyes:
I am so glad you decided to write this! There is so much to love about it--the bantering as always and then the straight up arguing. the way Kid can sass Heyes in the game constantly but Wheat better not. You including Kid Curry the Tiddlywinks champ. ;)

This exchange made me laugh:
Now Curry grinned. "Well, maybe if somebody would practice his shootin' every now and then, we could play it the right way."
"I hit what I aim at!"
"Not in that game ya don't."
 
"Get out of jail free. Be nice if this would work in a real sheriff's office."  I feel like you should write a sequel where Kyle tries, lol.
 
"Well, then I declare myself the sheriff and the jail is mine," Wheat reasoned.  This was a scary moment because I remember wishing I could buy the jailhouse. I hope that's the only time I ever think like Wheat!
 
This was adorable: Kyle whispered to the player next to him. "Hey, Kid. Come break me out."

"I ain't buildin' houses. I's buildin' CAThouses!"  I laughed.

I also laughed when Kid pulled a gun on Wheat over Monopoly money. It was fitting that Kyle was the one who kept getting sent to jail. There's usually one in every game...
 
And my favorite line: "YOU CAN'T ROB THE BANK, HEYES!"


Excellent entry Hanna!
 
Inside outlaw:

I still love this story. Heyes and the Kid annoying each other, with Kid taking the prize for being the most annoying, thoughHeyes got him back a few times.

Even so, the concern when Kid was hurt is cute. And I have to say, I actually understand why Kid was egging Heyes on. *I* would be leery of any plan that involved Kyle setting off fireworks! You see what happened…
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InsideOutlaw

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Age : 62
Location : Colorado

PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Thu Aug 02, 2018 2:39 pm

Remuda:  LOL, my last line is nearly identical to your first.  Thanks for being so gracious about the similarities.  As always, your saddle talk feels so authentic.  Loved the line about Heyes mostly betting on odds that are better than pretty good.  The man does like a stacked deck!

ChelseaGirl:  Kyle and fireworks is such a natural fit, isn't it?  The boys should learn never to say never.  I enjoyed this glimpse of a thoroughly domesticated pair of outlaws.

Cal:  You started this one off with breathtaking action before I realized just when this story takes place.  Once you plant the seed of an idea, it is sure to grow and our two heroes are too smart not to realize it was time for a change.  Very well written tale.

Elleree:  Geez, this one is a literal cliffhanger!  So much for a 'short'cut.  Good thing they had each other to depend on.  Loved the rationalization about the lucky hat--it really could've been so much worse.


Riders:  Loved this one.  I could just see those two enjoying misdirecting the reporter with half-truths and outright lies.  So Samuel had them confused with those two other 'most famous' outlaws of the West?  I bet that was a bittersweet realization.  Great story!

NebraskaWildfire:  One last successful job, but no thought for what comes after--sounds just like them.  Absolutely loved this line:  the diseases that had stopped the massive cattle drives seemed to have soaked into the fabric of the town.

HannaHeyes:  Lol, Monopoly!  I can't imagine those four playing nicely at anything.  Loved the Kid drawing down on Wheat and Heyes cheating the bank and his partner.  Fun story, thanks for the laughs!

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riders57

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Thu Aug 02, 2018 4:01 pm

InsideOutlaw - great story.  I love the Kid's needling of Heyes as they ride in - very in character.  Great choice of name for the girl buying Heyes all to herself -- why not at a Mary Sue character.  Oops -- yes, one should definitely be careful not to mix the fireworks with the dynamite.  Lol re you and Rem - great minds and all that.   clapping
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RosieAnnieUSA

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Join date : 2013-08-24
Age : 99
Location : Chicago, Illinois, USA

PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Fri Aug 03, 2018 10:52 am

July stories:

Remuda: You have such a wonderful ear for dialogue. This sounds so natural, relaxed, and definitely not forced. Do you have some sort of time machine that allows you to eavesdrop on historical characters, even fictional ones? 

Chelseagirl: Even with the second happy part of this story, the first part felt incredibly poignant to me. especially when Heyes and Curry are turning down Kyle's idea.

Cal: Of course they'd have to execute some derring-do to escape that persistent posse. I like Heyes' idea - go back to Columbine, since we know the lawmen are out of town! And what can you do when you hear distant gunfire and are disquieted by it? Nothing, really. Good missing scene story.

Ellerree: You sure took me for a ride! I was breathless as much as the boys, wondering how they were going to get back up that cliff.
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RosieAnnieUSA

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Location : Chicago, Illinois, USA

PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Fri Aug 03, 2018 11:17 am

More July:

Riders57: Nothing's more fun than telling old stories to an enthusiastic listener, especially if some of the stories are actually true. How does the old saying go? Tell the legend, not the truth? That makes a good day for the intrepid reporter, who needs a good story to sell.

Nebraska Wildfire:  This feels very realistic. I wonder how long Heyes and Curry, in real life, would keep chasing an elusive dream. And Heyes has the most powerful motivation - he wants to keep his friend alive. Powerful stuff.

Hanna Heyes: It's your fault my cat scratched me. I laughed so hard while reading this, he got scared, jumped off my lap, and scratched my leg with his rear claws. 

Inside Outlaw:  I love how Curry teases Heyes at the beginning. I love Wheat's lines: “Where’s your partner?” asked Wheat.  Heyes’ scowl deepened, but he said nothing.  “You on the outs again?  You two fight more’n tomcats in a sack.”  And the last line of this story is 100% perfect.
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Nebraska Wildfire

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Sat Aug 04, 2018 8:55 pm

Hanna Heyes:  Fireworks in the Making.  I so enjoyed this one.  It was so lighthearted and fun.  Heyes as a larcenous banker, the Kid drawing on Wheat, and all the boys wanting to rob the bank.  Some of my favorite lines:

"Kid, you're starting to give me the impression that you don't trust me."
"You're right. I don't... least not in a game involvin' money."

Heyes looked annoyed once more and defensively said, "You're just as larcenous as I am."
"Don't think so. Ain't nobody as larcenous as you."
"Well that's their problem.”

Kyle looked at his leader and innocently asked, "When did you start follerin' rules that you didn't make?"

InsideOutlaw:  As always the banter between the boys is so much fun.  And your description of the town of Peaceful was so...peaceful.

My favorite lines:
“Ain’t that what you said before the Hanford job?”  The Kid saw Heyes’ teeth actually clench and observed a lovely flush of color rising from his shirt collar.  Hanford always worked.

The image of both the Kid and Kyle bleeding at the end, with the Kid annoyed and Kyle overjoyed, says so much.  
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Cal

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Tue Aug 07, 2018 5:43 am

Fireworks Continued… Sorry to be so tardy this month, with my feedback.

Chelseagirl… I realy like another glimpse at the Carlson Murtry pairing.  Kyle missing Holiday fireworks back home…I think I can see the look on his face as recalls Lizzie’s singed eyebrows… but …it’s Wheat who thinks he has an idea…. Interesting. Love the “Its like Christmas…” throw away.  But I’m getting the sense of something out of reach for them and the camaraderie of trying to see the bright side… very true to character.  The second glimpse of the Carlson Murtry partnership and the, truly against the odds outcome of the Heyes Curry, one is delightful, and one we could all wish for them. Not a fairy-tale end, just normal.

Elleree…  Early 4th July ref. duly noted.  Are they packing fireworks?  I can hear the dripping sarcasm… “If I see one…” So Heyes, and so their partnership. This is great, I’m seeing all the action.  Love that he saved that hat. Good inclusion of Fort Worth too.  This is getting a bit desperate. That image of the gloved hands is powerful. This line, “Yeah, you always were the competitive type,” Heyes said. “I fall down; you want to do it better.” That is the perfect way to signal they’re ok now, to reader and Kid. Wooh, that was a ride.

Riders57.. Glory Days. I absolutely adored the Newman Redford partnership and longed for more when I was a Kid.  Reading this through was so enjoyable, it was so different. The War in Europe? Not a Gunslinger in sight? Bless you for the twinkling blue eyes and the dimples.  Mr. Hotchkiss and Mr. Rembacker! Love it. Why am I having difficulty seeing those two playing darts… it’s so British! I want to put them down our local pub lol. I love that you include the loyal mailman in the story telling. Love the tag line.  Very, very entertaining.
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Cal

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Tue Aug 07, 2018 12:59 pm

Nebraska Wildfire... Oh how many times have I watched and read this scene... but not from inside an older Heyes’ head.  There’s something very sad about thinking of them drawn back into robbing, even if it is with skill and aplomb.  I can hear the disappointment in Kid’s words and the, “Never, but let’s get this over with”, Is heart-breaking.  Five years on and five years older, Heyes is very self-aware and seems to realise they can’t keep doing this. I really like the well thought out dissertation, before the action and the way you take the story on to them finally working out what they want.  Lots of food for thought here. Wonderful challenge writing.

HannaHeyes… (Noooo…. I loath Monopoly with a vengeance… too many ruined holidays ending in fights between my brothers over this silly game…. Rant over…) Isee Hanna, you must have suffered too.  The reading of the box lid… the setting out of countless bits and pieces.  I’m reading this like the prophet of doom.  Thank you for the comedy relief…. I especially appreciate Heyes robbing the bank (My brother Steve comes to mind) But my favourite bit is when the box from Hell is hurled through the window…. Phew! Yeah…that just about how I remember it going…. Don’t ever do that to me again Hanna!!!! Lolx

Inside Outlaw…  I laughed out loud at the mention of the Hanford Job… how many times do you think The Kid brought that one up ? “We don’t need a damn Plan B, Plan A’s gonna work!”….lol…this has disaster written all over it. I’m loving the reminiscing and Wheat’s observance about Tom Cats. Oh dear….and it was all going so well…did you say Kyle was in charge of setting off the fireworks….poor Kid… poor Kyle when poor Kid catches up with him…lol…oh and there’s the prompt!  Very entertaining challenge.
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Remuda

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Wed Aug 08, 2018 1:14 am

Remuda
Yer confusin' ever'body by postin' early.  Git yerself back to the end of the month so ever'thin' can git back to normal!

Chelseagirl

So Kyle left outlawry behind same as H&C did, but Wheat is still at it?  I can see Kyle wanting to be on the right side of the law so long as he has something to occupy him, like dynamite.  The man has skills.  And Heyes admits to being wrong, but just once?  Cute.

Cal
Nice missing scene from the Pilot.  Really like this phrase for Heyes's horse -- "sleek as a mountain lion and cunning as a coyote."  Also, interesting choice for Curry to carry a shotgun over a rifle, especially when they'd expect a posse to be after them.

Elleree

So much for shortcuts, huh?  I bet our duo might be happy with the long way round next time if they didn't have a posse behind them.  And, Rockville?  LOL  They might want to change their destination to one not reminding them of the day's doings. 

Riders
This is fun!  Stanley got more than he bargained for, methinks, with the two old desperados, and love that Rembacker and Hotchkiss got another go-round, even if they "really" were Butch and Sundance, at least to Stanley.  LOL  Glad you're back to writing.  You've been missed.

Nebraska Wildfire
Interesting angle that the guys threw away the chance at amnesty and pulled one big, last job.  I wouldn't have thought they'd do that.  But, I can understand the boredom of constant drifting, which would be wearing in itself, and the wanting to settle down.

Hanna Heyes

This is hilarious!  As well, it's brilliant in the possibilities of robbing, threatening, etc. -- the rules don't say he can't rob the bank if he wants -- funny, Heyes!  I could see this playing out just as you wrote it.

Inside Outlaw

Welcome back - you've also been missed.  This is fun.  Brill for Heyes' plan to divert everyone's attention toward the fireworks while the robbery took place, and Kyle was certainly in his element, however more careful he needed to be.  Poor singed Kid.  A doc on the holiday will never be easy to come by.

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HannaHeyes

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Fri Aug 10, 2018 5:29 pm

InsideOutlaw - Loved the idea of robbing the bank while Kyle diverted eveyone else's attention with fireworks. I can just see Kid's 'discussion' with him about it later!

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elleree

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Sun Aug 12, 2018 11:21 pm

Inside Outlaw:
Yes, shortcuts don’t always work out well. I’ve found that out myself on the way to work a few times. And yes, I have a fondness for cliffhangers, pun intended. I do like putting them in situations where their reliance on each other shines, but I like happy endings. Who knows, maybe it was the hat. Thanks for the review!


RosieAnnie:
Sorry about the rough ride! Thanks for reviewing. Glad that it kept you in suspense. When I post it on ff dot net, I may include a larger part of the back up the hill journey just as I can imagine some more bantering. And a bit more danger but just a liiiittle bit.


Cal:
Thank you! Yes, I put in the obligatory 4th reference at the start. ;) I’m really glad you mentioned the gloved hands—it was the image I had come to me that started the whole story. I just made the rest fit with it. : ) Sorry about the difficult ride, but I hope you had fun along the way!


Remuda:
I’d advise them to take the long way, posses notwithstanding. Yes, no kidding! I’ve actually seen road signs to a Rockville, Utah, so that could be their destination. (I couldn’t stop but I’m sure it’s a nice place.) Still, they ought to move on fairly quickly. Maybe somewhere called Soft Landings or Rambler’s Rest.

Thank you all for the reviews!
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