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Javabee

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Mon Oct 05, 2015 12:51 am

Finishing up one last comment for last month.....

Sheila:

I was so entertained by this one. Those poor passengers, you expressed their discomfort and disgust perfectly. I smiled throughout, knowing that the reveal was going to be a doozie, and I was right. Imagining Heyes doing this to such a degree (and enjoying it thoroughly) gave me a good laugh. Thanks for a great story, Sheila!
roll laugh

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Javabee

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Mon Oct 05, 2015 3:50 am

Keays:
Miranda may have been the one plotting revenge on Heyes, but I think her plan may have backfired. I don't think asking Heyes to recite all his former sexcapades was the best way to gain the upper hand in that scenario. But it was oh so fun for us to read about, even though it did get a little warm in the room the farther I got into the chapter. Can't wait to read the rest....
heat

Silverkelpie:
I love how you have written Mattie, as a fiesty, clever lady that isn't about to be taken advantage of. Another great story with all the plot points woven together to beautifully lead us to the final conclusions. Of course the Bible would be the last place the lying Sheriff would look; she knew him very well. Great last line, thanks SK!

Remuda:
You have a lot going on here and you juggled it masterfully. Lovely to see the Kid wrapped up in reading a book. The intermingling of fiction and reality, wondering where the line is crossed. Was Heyes struggling with a bit of a guilty conscience for past deeds? The ugliness and self destruction of revenge, however deserved it may be, and the frantic tone in your last line brought it all together and gave me the shivers. Great story, Remuda.

Stepha3nie:
I always wondered why a little old lady like our Miss Birdie would be carrying a flyer about amnesty with her. Her nephew never expected such big time outlaws to apply for the program and she hoped they would in order to embarrass the nephew and put him on the spot. Very clever old lady and great way to get revenge.

Moonpie:
So true to life how seemingly mundane events can change your world and your future so profoundly in only an instant. You caught this truth in the mood and events of this story so effectively. A simple childhood prank and their teacher's response literally saved their lives. The lighthearted tale full of fun an humor became somber so unexpectedly. The little girl's revenge was really their salvation. Nice.

Skykomish:
Like everyone else, I agree that Vivian is a great character. It is so entertaining to see the boys struggle to stay a step ahead of a clever female, and in this case they clearly failed. Will the boys go after her to get their money back, administering their own revenge? It would be fun to find out. Thanks Sky, another great story!

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skykomish

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Tue Oct 06, 2015 10:09 am

Riders - I remember this story.  Whenever I find myself describing a night sky, your beautiful description haunts me.  (I have been so tempted to steal it.)  I just love this line: There was no moon tonight, and the brittle stars made sharp incisions in the sky, piercing the darkness, but shedding no light on the landscape.  Wonderful writing.  The entire piece is quiet, thoughtful, and thoroughly enjoyable.  Of course, Heyes thinking too loudly for the Kid to sleep is great fun. 

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InsideOutlaw

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Tue Oct 06, 2015 2:51 pm

Riders57:  I remember this one, but I still laughed out loud at the Kid saying Heyes thought too loud.  Great descriptive writing and I loved the pensive mood.  I am sure that going for amnesty would evoke a lot of mixed emotions in 'the two most successful outlaws in the history of the West'.

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Remuda

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Wed Oct 07, 2015 12:18 am

Inside Outlaw
Hallelujah!  How fun was that?  An eclipse?  Really, Heyes, didn't you see it coming?  LOL  This is jam-packed with ... the boys inside a huge jam sandwich, hemmed in all sides, until ... Preacher is a wonder.  As usual, this is really well written with many great lines.  Especially liked, "'I’ll be damned,' said Curry.  'You already are,' said Heyes ..."  Great use of the prompt, and so wonderfully done.  Bravo!

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skykomish

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Wed Oct 07, 2015 12:32 pm

InsideOutlaw.-  Everything Remuda said.  Especially good use of the prompt.  I love preacher, and you allowed him to shine.   I enjoyed the opening and the frustration of Heyes and the Kid.  But it wasn't the gang that caused trouble.  Mother nature herself conspired against.

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riders57

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Wed Oct 07, 2015 5:17 pm

InsideOutlaw -- I love this.  What great inspiration from our recent lunar eclipse.  You pulled us along and allowed us to experience the emotions of both the crowd and our (anti) heroes.  Great job.

Remuda -- Glad to see you are resurrecting your Hopping Trains.  This is a good piece, reflecting on young Heyes' confusion at the beginning, then figuring it out and trying to establish a plan.  In keeping with his adult persona.
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Stepha3nie

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Wed Oct 07, 2015 8:19 pm

To you all:
Congratulations on the great stories for the September challenge. I only managed to read them just now. No internet at home is no fun at all!
I hope I'll be able to catch up at some point.

And I apologise for having had to ask MAP to post an extremely raw story for me. I t was more or less the first draft.
It was almost on the last day of the month when I got nudged, not by plot bunny, but by a little Birdie, you might say, to write something. So I did. During lunch break at work and then finished writing it after work. And then had to ask MAP to post it the next day, because even posting a single word from the work computer takes several minutes. I didn't even want to attempt a short story...

So, for those of you wondering: of course it was Miss Birdie. And this was supposed to be the entire story. I guess I will have to work a little more on it, before posting it elsewhere.
Her revenge worked perfectly: our boys applied for amnesty and the governor was put on the spot and started to squirm... Only, in the long run it backfired a little. But that's a completely different story, called ASJ.
I always wondered why a little old lady from Boston would have a pamphlet about amnesty for Wyoming outlaws in her handbag.

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For me temptation is Hannibal Heyes, especially in chaps!
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Remuda

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Wed Oct 07, 2015 10:43 pm

Steph, good to have you back.  I also use a dongle to access the net.

I'd not have guessed it was the first draft of a story.  It was fun, and I'm glad you decided to play.  Miss Birdie is a particular favorite of mine.

Looking forward to the return of your insightful comments.  :)

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HelenWest

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Sun Oct 11, 2015 6:33 pm

IO - Great one! You surely made brilliant (so to speak) use of the recent red moon! I love the interactions of the various boys, and how the Preacher rises to the occasion. This would have been a really fun episode to watch. But with your description, I could see it all in my head.
HW
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skykomish

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Sun Oct 11, 2015 9:05 pm

Remuda - I remember these stories.  I love the stream-of-conscience-like beginning.  Just like the reader, the young Hannibal Heyes begins to pull the pieces together, and recollects what happened. Once the pieces are gathered, then he starts to plan, though it is more of a hope at than a plan at this stage of events.  Lovely writing.  I hope you bring them back together this time around.

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Stepha3nie

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Thu Oct 15, 2015 4:15 pm

Right, I promised to do better and here is my first comment. I'll try to keep it up.

If you haven't read the stories yet, don't read my comments. Contains SPOILERS.

Riders: I like the way you jump right in with the beginning. It creates tension. We’re not sure why Heyes keeps looking at his watch, but we can guess. By the time we get to the explanation, we’re already firmly captured by Heyes’ bleak thoughts.
You give us a nice character study. Heyes is the thinker, the worrier. He looks into the past and tries to predict the future. He feels responsible for their actions and decisions, he feels guilty for dragging the Kid along. His bleak mood is paralleled by the cold night and the icy coffee.
But when Kid joins him, the atmosphere changes. He absolves Heyes from any responsibility for dragging him into anything. He makes it clear that he’s his own man and follows his own decisions – which usually happen to include following Heyes. Kid says he lives from day to day, in the here and now. In that he complements Heyes. Together they encompass past, present and future. Each alone has something missing.
Both reveal what good friends they are to each other. Heyes feels responsible for Kid and wants to do better by him. He wants him to get sleep and rest. Kid brings him warm coffee, resolves him from his guilt and sends him to get some sleep himself.
He does not only offer Heyes a warm drink. His quiet support must warm his heart as well. And suddenly even the night is not cold and dark any more, but shooting starts light up the sky. I like these parallels between the inner goings on and the outside world.
For me, the story shows that the two work best together. Alone, there may be doubts and bleakness, together, they can change the world. And just maybe even get amnesty, some day.

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For me temptation is Hannibal Heyes, especially in chaps!
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Remuda

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Sun Oct 18, 2015 11:00 pm

Stepha3nie
This is sad – very sad and bittersweet, and haunting.  I had to read it over several times to make sure I understood it.  That’s not to say it wasn’t communicated well; it was, and nicely written, too.  Just that I didn’t want it to be true.  Beneath the gruff exterior, I can so see Wheat doing this.  I hope that’s the closest he or any of the boys ever gets to the territorial prison.  The ending is perfect and hits just the right note.  I'm glad you heeded the bunny's pestering you to write.  Brava!

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riders57

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Mon Oct 19, 2015 10:36 am

Stepha3nie -- have to agree, very bittersweet and haunting.  It leaves you wondering a bit in the end -- not as to what Wheat has done, but whether it came too late.  I think you nailed Wheat's personality well and I like the reflections back on the episodes from Wheat's perspective.  Great job.
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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Mon Oct 19, 2015 2:04 pm

InsideOutlaw - Nice tie-in to the recent eclipse. Bet that never crossed Heyes' mind that an eclipse might thwart the job. Good thing Preacher was with them and taking care of things outside. Nicely done.

Remuda - This was written so well, it was like waking up with Heyes and trying to figure out what happened. I do hope this continues somewhere. I'd love to know how they find each other again.

Stepha3nie - I agree with the others. A bittersweet story told through Wheat. Very well written. It made me want to know more about what all happened, especially that last part with the newspaper headline.

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Remuda

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Tue Oct 20, 2015 12:01 am

HunkeyDorey
Welcome back!  So glad you came out to play.  I remember this story.  It's fun and so very clever.  Nice to see the young Heyes’ displaying the first inklings of his future self.  Love the twist at the end.  Nicely done!

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Tue Oct 20, 2015 7:58 pm

Riders - This really shows the relationship between the boys.  You have to know someone pretty well before they are thinking 'too loud.'  I remember this one well and it's great to see this again.  You show so well how one fills the other's gaps in skills and the dovetail beautifully together not only as outlaws, but as friends too.

Insideoutlaw - What an inspired problem for the bank job!  Truly original and wonderfully written, as always.  I loved how Preacher thought on his feet to turn things around.  And these lines, "“I’ll be damned,” said Curry. “You already are,” said Heyes" The last line is great too.

Remuda
- I really hope this one continues as it left me wanting more.  Hopping trains is a great body of work.  I remember it well, not least because of the quality, but also in the way you catch the personalities of the young versions of our heroes.  Heyes' ability to plan clearly sets him apart, even at a very young age.

Stepha3nie - This struck me as a new step-up in finding your voice.  It is both poignant and full of character in the way you have Wheat covering so many of their adventures in the series.  I absolutely loved it.

Hunkeydorey - Thanks for playing!  Yes, it does have the ghost in the moonlight, but the whole thing is just a hoot from start to finish.  It shows that the boys appearance helped to mislead people even at a young age, but the sheriff's love of the new library was a delight.  Loved the last line too.

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Remuda

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Wed Oct 21, 2015 12:41 am

Silverkelpie
Oooohh – eerie!  Charlie Moon and his glowing raiment gave a bump in the night to the prompt.  Quite the ghost story there … or was it?  I had the shivers along with Heyes.  Don’t want to give too much away, but suffice it to say, well written as usual with lots of imagery and metaphorical play, and that last line was inspired.  Hauntingly well done!

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Caroline McK

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Fri Oct 23, 2015 1:39 am

Ooh, such wonderful stories for this month. 
I have to say that I enjoyed them all so far and will admit that I can't possibly choose a favorite.
Kudos to all of you and thank you for sharing your talents and words with us.
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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Sun Oct 25, 2015 10:45 am

Riders - Love the idea of Heyes think too loud.  We all know exactly what that means.  It showcases the boys' personalities perfectly and ends on the perfect optimistic note.  

Insideoutlaw
- One of the most original stories I have ever read.  A lunar eclipse?  The one time they have the gang all trained to within an inch of their lives, this happens!  Good old Preacher, thinking on his feet like that.  Loved it.   

Remuda - I'm glad to see Hopping trains back again.  You write the boys in their youth so very well and the misadventures of the separated youths really gripped me.  The dialogue is perfect as always.  

Stepha3nie - I also had to read this a few times, but mainly to drink in all the detail and nuance you got into such a short piece.  This is a wonderful scene, and you write Wheat so well I hope you will continue with this one.

Silverkelpie - That was really chilling!  That last line gave me the willies.  Superbly written, and genuinely scary.  I loved that you left it to us to decide if anything happened at all: was it Heyes' fever, was Charlie Mad, or was there some kind of supernatural manifestation?  I wouldn't be hanging around to find out either!
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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Sun Oct 25, 2015 4:53 pm

Riders- That's a beautifully crafted, thoughtful piece. I can just feel the cold and see the stars. But no moon. It's a great, evocative use of the prompt. I hear that it's when the mind wanders that people get depressed. Hard work is the way to happiness. Oh, those long nights.
HW
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HelenWest

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Sun Oct 25, 2015 5:00 pm

Remuda-

This prompt really brings out some great, thoughtful pieces. This is a hard one, feeling that longing between the partners. They aren't happy apart and they sure have a hard time being at home. Without a family or a home, they need each other. I know the feeling, since my home of 50 years was torn down. That's a hard ache of lonesomeness and you capture it beautifully. You can feel the motivation for the years to come
HW
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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Sun Oct 25, 2015 5:08 pm

S3 - Oh, you really know how to hit a strong and difficult note. I agree with SK that your voice is really coming along. This is haunting. Now I just wonder, do I want to know more of the story or not? That tension is the thing. Beautiful work!
HW
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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Sun Oct 25, 2015 9:43 pm

HD - Very cute story! I love the way you got the library in, and the scary moonlight image played off against the comedy of the live story. I agree that Heyes gets a lot of his "genius" out of books, and paying close attention to things. The Kid may not read as much, but he sure does pay attention, too. Together, a great team!
HW
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HelenWest

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Sun Oct 25, 2015 9:56 pm

SK - That is one scary story! Wow! But still, it works with why Heyes would have his love for reading and learning, between all he'd been through. That feeling of being so sick you aren't sure what you remember is a scary one in itself. When I had a fever, I used to dream about Alice in Wonderland, which is scary enough read in a normal state. This has that same flavor. I can certainly understand why a boy would have to get out of a place that made him remember such a thing. And why he might keep running as an adult, afraid of ever being caught and cooped up.
HW
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