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 Applause and Feedback

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Tashmina

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Fri Sep 20, 2013 5:19 pm

Keays - Keays, I agree that this part of your story is a great fit here.  Heyes losing his temper is certainly a storm as he is normally so controlled and self-contained, but lets' face it, he has every reason to feel angry here.  The Governor's political betrayal come home to roost here; poor Heyes.  All that work he did, I can certainly see his point!


Remuda - What!?  affraid   You can't leave it there.  The whole board is crying, 'no fair!'  You seduce us with such a compelling piece of writing and draw us in so completely and then leave us hanging?  We need more bounce Please...

InsideOutlaw
- This is another one which draws the reader in and captures Heyes' temperament so well.  He is just the type to brood and mull over something as big as an upcoming meeting with the Governor.  I really wish I could have written something this good as a prequel to my story.  Well, we read and learn from all you great writers.  clapping


Last edited by Tashmina on Fri Sep 20, 2013 8:29 pm; edited 2 times in total
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Hunkeydorey

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Fri Sep 20, 2013 5:43 pm

Keays - It's amazing how you manage to find pieces from your epic to fit so many challenges, but fit they do - and so very well too. This one is certainly a perfect storm of trouble, anger and regret and you write it so well too. I get the feeling he's just as angry at himself for getting into this situation as he is at all the people who let him down. Great challenge.

Remuda - I couldn't agree more with everyone else. How can you leave us hanging on like this? What an ending! You sucked me right in and then, wham! Please, finish this! However, there's another part of me that says this is very powerful just as it is.

InsideOutlaw - Beautifully written as always and gets us right inside the mind of a man worrying and brooding about a pivotal moment in his life. This could be the start of a longer story, but it does work well as a stand-alone. A wonderful snapshot of a mind which works like quicksilver and runs into all the corners he'd rather not go to.clapping 
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InsideOutlaw

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Sat Sep 21, 2013 7:41 pm

Tashmina: Yikes, another cliffhanger! Great job pulling us in and building up to a longer story. I'm glad you are continuing on because I definitely want to know what Heyes is up to and how Chauncey got lost so far from Boston. Very well-written tale.
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Hunkeydorey

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Sun Sep 22, 2013 8:29 am

Tashmina - I do love a Sarah Whyment mystery. Nobody does mystery like her, so you had me right at the start when you said she helped you with the plot, however, judging by your last story I think you're capable of more than a few twists yourself! So well-written and also some great lines in here. I adored this echange:

“I bet he don’t smoke, steal or curse either.”

“No, I certainly don’t.”

Kyle’s nose crinkled at his friend. “Leave ‘im be, Wheat. He’s an orphan. It’s real tough for a boy to learn things without a pa. I know that for sure. I had to learn all that from my ma.” His blue eyes looked wistfully into the fire. “It just ain’t the same.”


I can't wait to see where you take this and yes, it is the calm before the storm.
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Gringa

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Sun Sep 22, 2013 11:00 am

Tashmina - Great story and I agree with you, Sarah does need to start writing again. We need to encourage her. Now to yours - this is scene setting for what promises to be a great Hannibal Heyes plan and why wouldn't these men want to help out a little boy who reminds them so much of themselves, but they didn't have this kind of help. So many questions. Why was he put in a home thousands of miles away and why has he been so badly treated? Why was he put in a home when his mother's friend wanted him? I can't wait to find out. Keep writing!
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riders57

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Sun Sep 22, 2013 3:33 pm

Tashmina -- as others have said, it's hard to believe that you only just started writing. This definitely draws you in and I look forward to what you have planned for the rest of the story.
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Javabee

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Mon Sep 23, 2013 1:06 am

Rider - Great missing scene from the pilot making their amnesty decision even more plausible. Their discussion of the growing "storm" of their troubled outlaw life, as they fight an actual storm, makes it ever more clear to take the amnesty trail. Lots of action and nice dialogue.

HH - Nice imagery here. In this story, even though there were three paths, Heyes really didn't have a choice which one to take. The storm of his life was impossible to avoid and it was upon him. "I want out of this void. When will the free fall end?" he cries. He feels trapped and alone. But then the Kid wakes him. He isn't alone after all and he never will be if the Kid has anything to say about it. He and the Kid would weather the storm together. Feelings of helplessness turned to hope. Very nice, HH.

Keays - I have read and admired your epic for some time. This chapter fits so perfectly with the "storm" theme. Not only is Heyes anger in this scene its own storm, but a bigger storm is clearly brooding. I just want to read the entire epic all over again.

Remuda - Ok, so, I have reread this multiple times trying to answer this question "Did I miss a subtle clue as to which man was shot?" Maybe I should know the answer, since it was made clear that the Kid was alert and watching, and he would never let Heyes get shot, would he? Our brown haired hero, Heyes, DID have his back to the door, didn't he? Did McCall have brown hair, too? You are seriously tricky with this story, Remuda, and have left me wanting some answers.....Very Happy 

Inside Outlaw - Apparently achieving amnesty will just move them into another phase of their still stormy life. Leave it to Heyes to analyze it and lose sleep over it while Kid takes it at face value and celebrates. Very true to their roles and personalities and nicely written. It would be interesting to see this continued.

Tashmina -  There's nothing like a mistreated orphan boy to pull on the heartstrings of our heroes. What a great start to what appears to be another wonderful storyline. We have a Hannibal Heyes plan in the making, and a little boy with a mysterious past. I always love the stories that include the entire Devil's Hole gang. Did I hear you just started writing? If so, you would never know it. Looking forward to the next chapter! This definitely fit the "storm" theme as expressed here:
"The Kid watched his partner stare over at the boy swaddled in blankets, lying on his side away from his injured back.  His quietude spoke volumes to anyone who knew Hannibal Heyes well; it was the stillness in the eye of the storm.  The dark eyes swirled with dark thoughts and memories, thrust back into a torn past."
coffee 


Last edited by Javabee on Mon Sep 23, 2013 3:01 am; edited 2 times in total
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Remuda

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Mon Sep 23, 2013 2:41 am

Riders
Wonderful missing scene from the Pilot.  You really draw us in and give us the fly-on-the-wall view of the partners’ further consideration of whether or not to go for amnesty.  Lovely descriptive narrative and visual painting put us right there, and the banter is right on.  Nicely done.  

Hanna Heyes
I really like the parable-like quality of the first half of this piece.  The dream is vivid and related with an intense urgency, and the first-person narration is very effective.  As well, the turmoil of the dream state is nicely juxtaposed against the everyday realization that the partners will watch each other’s backs.  The shift in voice from first to third person was a bit distracting but didn’t detract from enjoyment of the story or the overall message.  The storms of life might affect our nocturnal rest sometimes, but the knowledge of safety and reassurance helps us find peace of mind.  Well done.


Last edited by Remuda on Mon Sep 23, 2013 3:05 am; edited 1 time in total
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Remuda

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Mon Sep 23, 2013 2:52 am

Thank you all for the lovely comments on my story.  It wrote itself about three years ago and is complete.  It is indeed a compliment to have one's peers want more, and I am humbled, but also hope you're not disappointed.  I leave it up to the individual reader to imagine her own ending.
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Remuda

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Mon Sep 23, 2013 11:37 pm

Keays
It’s amazing how you always find a piece of your saga that fits so well with the prompt. This is spot on in that regard. Heyes’ rage is palpably related, and I especially love how Lom proves once again to be a rock. The line only you could write made me laugh out loud, “EVEN CANADA WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER THAN PRISON!!” Well done!

Inside Outlaw
Wonderful descriptions of the approaching storm and Heyes’s philosophizing on the storms in their own lives. I think you also fully captured how the boys would act once amnesty was achieved – celebrating to the point of inebriation, happily so, with a giddy Kid and thoughtful Heyes. I especially liked this line, “He could see the rosy glow of dawn rising over the peaks silhouetting the plentiful lightning strikes.” Clapping!


Tashmina
I have to echo others that it’s hard to believe you’re a novice writer. This is well written with so many great lines. As well, the description is lovely, the dialogue smart, and the narrative flowing. I particularly like the moments with the man-child Kyle and the boy Chauncey, and Kid and the boy. In short, this has so much going for it, including a Sarah Whyment plot. I’m really looking forward to the rest of the story. Nicely done!
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riders57

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Thu Sep 26, 2013 10:52 pm

RosieAnnie -- I really like this. It's quiet in its own way. You've really captured how young sisters behave. It's a nice thought of the Kid as a settled grandpa. I do find it heartbreaking to think of him and Heyes as separated after all this time. I mean one of the great things is that aside from being forced to be together so much by circumstances, they seemed to enjoy each other's company. Nevertheless, I can believe that eventually they would separate, and you didn't kill one of them. Maybe you'll be inspired to write a reunion even later in life. But a good use of the storm to bring back memories of storms back in Wyoming and the drifting back thinking it was Heyes hogging the bed, only to come fully awake to realize it was his granddaughter. Altogether a good story.
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Silverkelpie

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Sat Sep 28, 2013 6:50 am

RosieAnnie -  This quiet little story has a great roar of regret in the background and the message it delivers is both poignant and sweet.  Firstly, you capture the relationship between the girls and a doting grandfather so well, and also give us the fun  of the sisters bickering softly.  It was lovely that the Kid was able to reassure the girls about the Banshee. Ghost  They don't appear to travel lol! At the back of all this domesticity is the tale of a man who fell out with his best friend and has missed him ever since.  Just lovely and a great read on a Friday evening after a hard week.
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Hunkeydorey

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Sat Sep 28, 2013 7:38 am

RosieAnnie - Loved this. Any mother can identify the relationship between the two sisters, and the sibling rivalry was played to just the right degree. What a lovely life you painted for the Kid, and her would be just that kind of grandfather. It is interesting how many see the character that way, so it obviously chimes with many of us. Behind all the domesticity there is a tinge of regret at the argument which led to the partners going their separate way. A beautiful bittersweet tale.
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Gringa

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Sat Sep 28, 2013 7:51 am

RosieAnnie - How lovely. I really enjoyed this and so did my daughter. You paint a picture of a man who has lived a rich, full life and who has much to be content with except for tat niggling regret of a friendship lost. Who amongst us does not have regrets and who cannot relate to this. You definitely left me with the feeling that he wishes he could go back and do it differently. A wonderful read which stayed with me.

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Tashmina

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Sat Sep 28, 2013 8:07 am

RosieAnnie -  As other have said this was a great take on the prompt, with the girls taking the excuse of the storm to snuggle up to a doting and appreciative Grandfather Jones.  It was interesting that the 'nice retired man from the west' ended up in Michigan and that he was still using his alias.  It is true that he'd have stood a better chance of a full life if he settled down somewhere completely different.  I wonder if that was what the argument was about?  I guess the amnesty never came through and they had to come up with a new plan - one they couldn't agree on.  clapping
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InsideOutlaw

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Sat Sep 28, 2013 9:23 am

RosieAnnie: This is one of those stories that stays with you after you read it. I enjoyed it very much for the sweet tale it was, but there were several things here that struck me after I was done. It speaks volumes to me that the Kid's first thought upon awakening was that he was back in the Hole with Heyes. Also, the fact that he used his alias all that time and Heyes never sought him out leaves me wondering what happened to the dark haired one after they broke up the partnership. Was he still angry, or had he met with tragedy? I love it when a story leaves me imagining more!
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Keays

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Sat Sep 28, 2013 7:29 pm

RosieAnnie I agree with what others have said. A sweet and sad story all in one. It does leave us wondering what happened between the partners and if Heyes is still alive. But we are also left with the feeling that Kid is content with his life on the most part. He misses his friend and regrets what pushed them apart, but he's happy with where he is at.
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Remuda

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Sat Sep 28, 2013 11:40 pm

RosieAnnie
This has a lovely, quiet quality to it. The opening scene of Kid’s slowly awaking in those first moments when the dream state fades to full awareness was realistically portrayed. He seemed happy there with the little girls, and they with him, and I presume from the dialogue he’d recently arrived, and although missing the West, seemed content enough with his surroundings. Whatever drove him and Heyes apart such a long time back and the realization he’d long since forgotten was bittersweet, but accepted as part of life, although he seemed regretful when he told the girls not to stay mad at good friends because you don’t get too many of them. I also liked the names of the women in his life. This is simultaneously sweet and sad, and a great read. Well done!
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HannaHeyes

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Sat Sep 28, 2013 11:50 pm

Tashmina - I am so looking forward to reading the rest of this! 'Chancy' was lucky he came across the Devil's Hole Gang. He could've easily ended up with a bunch that would sooner just shoot him than look at him. I felt sympathetic towards Kyle when he was reminiscing. The orphanage does indeed have a storm coming and I wouldn't want to be in the way of an angry Heyes and Kid! Great story!

RosieAnnie - A very sweet/sad sentimental piece. Kid seems happy with his life as it is, except for one lingering problem, whatever happened to Heyes. The sibling rivalry was written well. But I too am left wondering what happened to separate the partners and what has become of the dark-haired one. Good job!
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Silverkelpie

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Sun Sep 29, 2013 4:53 pm

Hunkeydorey - You really made 'storming in' very funny indeed, and I only made a few suggestions. You made the plot your own. The Kid was a natural Gentleman, Heyes was at his double-dealing, scheming best so loads to love. You lines really made this one shine.

“The problem with havin’ a war of words with you, Heyes, is that you’re the only one who gets to use any.”

and

"Didn’t your mother teach you anything?”

Wheat’s top lip curled in anger. “Yeah, she taught me that women may not hit harder, but they sure hit lower.”


Loved it! clapping 
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Tashmina

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Sun Sep 29, 2013 5:10 pm

Hunkeydorey - What a great story. You write a criminal Heyes the way I imagine him; scheming and cunning, but doesn't destroy the 'little man.' I love the way Gertrude whacked Wheat for robbing her bank and they then found out the bank had already been robbed. Terrific lines and humor throughout: I loved this line:

"Common? There’s nothing ordinary about us, ma’am, I can assure you and at least when we rob you we have the courtesy to do it to your face.”

Loved the banter at the very end too. A terrific read.
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riders57

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Mon Sep 30, 2013 10:24 pm

I do like the end of the month when so many great stories come in.

Hunkeydorey -- Gertrude Morris certainly was a redoubtable woman.  What a fun story and keeping the boys and the gang very in character.  I like the reference back to Soapy and why they didn't go on the con, even though they clearly know and are friendly with very successful members of that elite group.  Great story.

Remuda -- a nice piece on their thoughts about the quest for amnesty.  I like the different voices having similar thoughts, although as usual, Heyes is more optimistic about it than the Kid.  I also like that they are both lying there thinking the other is asleep.  Good use of the figurative prompt.

Gringa -- what a fun cross between the Wizard of Oz and AS&J.  Yes the tornado of raiders -- great imagery.  I certainly hope that Uncle Henry made it all right.

Storm -- LOL   roll laugh   Very, very funny.  I'm sure Heyes is thrilled that you haven't forgotten him and truly enjoyed how you punished him of little faith.
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Remuda

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Mon Sep 30, 2013 11:03 pm

Hunkey Dorey
What a great read! I’m still chuckling thinking about Kid and Miss Morris. The picture of him carrying her back into the bank with her grinning full-tilt is special. Jake said she wasn’t Kid’s type, but who knows where love starts! (I couldn’t resist that; better duck in case Kid reads that.) And that one small gesture gave them a treasure trove of future jobs. Love the ending – something on your shoulder, indeed, Heyes. Clapping!


Gringa
Wow! I was smiling at the beginning, wondering where the Wizard of Oz meets ASJ was going to take us. Instead, you took us on a 180, back in time about forty years and ramped up the tension. Dorothy and Aunt Em were lucky, and I hope Uncle Henry was okay as well. I could feel and hear the thundering of the hooves almost like an approaching cyclone. Original and palpably felt in a few words, we can only begin to imagine the horrors to come at the neighboring farms. Well done!

Storm
Oh my, I laughed out loud at this. There’s a Storm brewing, Kid – watch out, and never doubt Heyes’ main squeeze. She’ll never leave the dark-haired, dimpled one waiting too long. Month-end is still in time. I doubt our blond hero will ever doubt again, and methinks he’ll be under cover from now on for storms perpetuated from the pen of the namesake of this month’s prompt. Great to see something new from you, Storm. Hope it’s the start of more to come. Lots of fun!
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Stormr

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Tue Oct 01, 2013 1:19 pm

Riders - The lost scene from the pilot - very nice.  I enjoyed it very much.  Great interaction  between the boys.  
 
HannaHeyes - I wasn't sure were you were going with this.  It was very descriptive and an emotional rollercoaster.
 
Keays - A stormy Heyes - now that's something I really like! Twisted Evil 
 
Remuda - Nicely done with the storm building the suspense of the game.  Leaving the ending up in the air - another nice and suspenseful touch.  Of course, I know Heyes is just fine!
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Silverkelpie

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PostSubject: Re: Applause and Feedback   Tue Oct 01, 2013 5:35 pm

Remuda - These internal conversations capture the differences between the boys so well as they mull over the amnesty and their future. Needless to say, they were sleeping outside because the Kid gave their rooms away to the ladies behind him. The start of both pieces was very visual with the acres of stars above them. A great take on the prompt with the weathering of figurative storms as well as the literal ones as they live a poorer life than they every did as criminals but are determined to press on with their plans.

Gringa - A very original take. Not so much a crossover, as turning the story on it's head and cramming the characters in with some other famous Kansans whilst using the tornado as a device to describe the effects of the borders wars. Very clever, and powerfully written in so few words.

Storm - Well, you had to play, didn't you? And we're so glad you did. This was laugh-out-loud funny with the poor Kid copping the wrath of the puppet-mistress when he dared to doubt her. Loved it! Let's hope it's the first of many

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